(CBS) The following is a weekly 60 Minutes Wednesday commentary by columnist Steve Hartman.

---

Before I begin, I’d like to ask my wife to turn off the television.

Seriously, sweetie, I’m gonna be showing your Christmas presents. The same goes for my relatives and coworkers: Just tune out for a second. I'd appreciate it.

OK, now that they’re gone, the truth is, I don’t really care if they see their presents. I just don’t want them to know how much I hate shopping for them.

For many of us, the holidays are nothing more than a time to load up our loved ones with scented candles and useless clutter.

It's a time to buy them things they really ought to be buying themselves, like a bar of soap. Why is it OK to give somebody a bar of soap, but not a bottle of shampoo?

And I know I'm not alone in my frustration.

People have been struggling with what to give since the very first Christmas. I mean, really, who gives a kid frankincense? How are you supposed to play with a bag of myrrh? And these were wise men. How’s a dummy like me supposed to figure out what people want?

Especially people like my wife whose taste is, well, let's just say, unpredictable. This is something she actually asked for – chicken pajamas. What else do you buy the person who likes chicken pajamas? Eggs?

Similar problem with my mother-in-law, who really likes a certain dog artist, a guy named Phillip Moore, who makes people’s pooches into pop art.

Do I get her one? Or do I have a moral obligation to save her from bad taste? In the end, I figured, it’s her living room. And besides, I had to get my staff something.

Some people in my life will be getting gifts from this box I keep in my garage. These are presents people have given me that I now want to pawn off on someone else.

Anyway, it’s not that I’m a cheapskate. Believe me, if I ever figure out what people want, I’ll buy it. But until then, I say, let’s just cut out the guesswork, and cut to the chase. Trade some $20 bills and be done with it.

You think that’s bad? Wait until you hear what I think of Mother’s Day.

© MMIV, CBS Worldwide Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Back To Top