Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?

(CBS)  I have a good job here at 60 Minutes, but we all like a change once in a while, and I've been thinking of becoming an anchorman.

There are a lot of job opportunities opening up these days. Tom Brokaw left the NBC Nightly News. Dan Rather announced he's leaving in March. Can Peter Jennings be far behind?

There are a lot of good things about being an anchorman -- several million good things.

You get a great place to sit while you work, too.

"Good evening. I'm Andy Rooney -- and don't you forget it. Tonight, news about the end of the world, but first, several commercials for some of the disgusting things that are probably wrong with you. You may want the children to leave the room."

If I got to be an anchorman, I'd have to be more polite than I usually am.

I dream of having the reporters forget Dan's name and saying mine all the time.

Another job I'd have to learn as anchorman is how to keep the broadcast moving quickly. They're always running out of time. I'd learn how to make people keep it short so that the reporters didn't take up too much of my valuable time as anchorman.

I'd have to change my "depth" perception, too, if I was an anchorman. Stories they call "in-depth" seem shallow to me.

I'd want to attract a big audience to my first broadcast. That anchorwoman in Cleveland got herself a record audience by appearing naked. I could do just the bare news without any clothes on.

At the end of the broadcast, I'd tell you my name again -- just to make darn sure you don't forget it.

Dan Rather: Dan Rather reporting.

Peter Jennings: I'm Peter Jennings.

Tom Brokaw: I'm Tom Brokaw.

Walter Cronkite: This is Walter Cronkite, CBS News, good night.

A lot of prestige goes with the job. Walter became known as "the most trusted man in America."

Anyway, tune into 60 Minutes again next week, because I've changed my mind.

I don't want to be the least trusted anchorman in America.
By Andy Rooney