Dating After The Divorce

Life After A Painful, Emotional Separation

(CBS)  The Early Show wraps up its weeklong series, Kiss And Break Up, on divorce.

The last installment focuses on the helping people move personally and professionally, even after the pain, anger and heartbreak that accompanies so many divorces.

Jeannette Trachtenberg, who is currently filing for divorce from her husband of 30 years after recently finding out, she says, he was having an affair with their marriage counselor. Sheila Ellison, the author of "The Courage to Love Again," gives some advice for those like Trachtenberg to find love again.

Trachtenberg suspected her husband of having an affair with his business partner’s wife.

"I simply confronted him," says Trachtenberg. "I says, 'Are you or are you not having an affair with Margot?' And like most men, they're not gonna, you know, fess up."

But Trachtenberg and her husband were not ready to divorce.

"We had two small children, two- and three-year-old. And we patched things up and moved on," says Trachtenberg.

Trachtenberg suggested couple therapy, but the female therapist they chose kept bonding with her husband.

"She only brought us in for three sessions as a couple, but she counseled him continuously - two to three times a week."

After more tell tale signs of an affair, Trachtenberg confronted her husband, whom denied it. He dared her to catch him. So she hired a private investigator.

"The very first time that I did surveillance on Jeannette’s husband, Jeannette’s husband and the therapist were alone in his office," said Bill Mitchell, the private investigator.

Mitchell caught Trachtenberg’s husband with the window blinds open.

"I was devastated, I cried, I blamed myself," recalls Trachtenberg. "If I could only turn back the hands of time, what could I do? And then, on the other side, I was angry."

"To find out that her marriage was taken apart and unraveled by a therapist, who she was paying to help fix it, now she deals with two issues of trust factor being taken away — swept away," says Mitchell.

Now, Trachtenberg wonders whether she can ever allow herself to be swept away by another man.

"I had one fella' that was the love of my life," says Trachtenberg. "I was 17-years-old … some 35 years later, through the Internet and today’s wonderful computers, I just recently started to e-mail him. And he e-mailed me back. And maybe one day we’ll get together. I’ll say, 'Yes,' I will fall in love someday, but it’ll be different and with a lot of life lessons behind me."

Author Sheila Ellison says divorce does not have to be the end, but rather a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning. The process of divorce helps one to learn to stand up for himself or herself. Most people, give way too much, and they don't demand, says Ellison.

When people have been lied to for many years, it's very rewarding to take matters into your own hands and get at the truth, so that they can move. But Ellison says, you should not seek revenge because it is destructive and doesn’t produce growth.

To trust again after a painful divorce, Ellison suggests following the steps:

• Visualize the life you want
  
• Identify your limitation
  
• Identify your assets and abilities

Following these instructions will help a divorcee set a new direction in life.

If you have children from a failed marriage and you do meet a new person or partner, introducing that person to your children may feel awkward. To make the situation less awkward, Ellison suggest you casually plan some fun event for the group and don’t tell your kids you really like this person, because they may resent that person.

Ellison says you should not give your kids too much power by making them feel they have a say in your relationship. The relationship is for you and it is your life.

Ellison also suggest that you do not have the person act like a parent. Don’t have them take any parental responsibility, especially from the beginning. She says the whole idea is to have your life in order. Don’t expect a person your dating to save you and disciple your kids.

Ellison also suggests people, especially single moms, to attend support groups. She says there aren’t enough hours for one-on-one therapy to get what you really need and not everyone can afford the sections. However, friends, family and people who can relate to your situation may give you the support you need.