Are You Spoiling Your Child?

How To Prevent Your Child From Being Spoiled

(CBS)  Nobody wants to raise a spoiled child. But striking a balance between love and indulgence can be hard. In Wednesday's "Life Matters," Early Show Contributor Lisa Birnbach wonders just how much is too much.

“Maybe, it comes from being the only one in my fourth grade class who didn't have penny loafers, or maybe it's from starting a family during a long bull market,” says Birnbach. “But I have my hands full keeping my three kids grounded. And many parents I talk to worry: Are we spoiling our kids?”

To talk about the subject she turns to child and family counselor Audrey
Wise.

There are no scientific facts about spoiled children, no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of parents who worry about overindulging their kids, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

A parent’s view:
As a parent, Birnbach says her definition of a spoiled child is one with a sense of entitlement - "I deserve whatever I want." This is a child who is more interested in himself than in others. She points out that a lot of women in her generation delayed having a family. When ready to put aside their careers, many of these women had trouble conceiving. They were so grateful for the children they finally had, they now tend to overindulge their "miracles."

Birnbach says she believes the booming economy has contributed: "Parents are able to provide for kids as never before," she says. "They didn't have these things themselves, they can appreciate them and they want to buy them for their children."

The expert's view:
Family and child counselor Wise’s definition of a spoiled child is "Parents who are overprotective and all-giving." Her answer says nothing about the children themselves.

What does "overprotective" have to do with spoiled? Wise says overprotective parents don't want their child to fail and do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, Wise says, these parents are no longer doing their child a favor. The child becomes accustomed to having things done for him or her, assuming everyone will work for his or her success - and that's just not true.

The following are Wise's tips on how to avoid spoiling your child:

Set limits and stick by them:
It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but parents must decide what they are willing to give their children (in terms of material goods and attention) and then stand by this decision.

"Once you take a stand," Wise says, "recognize that your child will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision!"

So if you do buy your child a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

Money is not the problem:
Interestingly, Wise believes that money has nothing to do with spoiling a child. Even children from low-income families can wind up spoiled.

"If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled," Wise notes.

The child assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him or her. You have indulged this behavior in the past and now the child expects it all the time. The child is spoiled.

Children are going to ask for things and, like Birnbach, Wise admits that parents are going to want to say yes - they simply enjoy giving things to and doing things for their kids.

"It's like a high, an honor, a joy," Wise says. "But think about it this way: you don't need all the sugar you want ... so why does your child?"

"No" is not a bad word:
In other words, you're not hurting your little one by saying no. In many cases you may be helping her. Take for example, teen-agers who drive expensive, luxury cars. Wise encourages parents to ask: what's the value of giving a 16-year-old a Porsche?

"People feel better when they earn something they're given," Wise says. "No 16 year-old has earned a Porsche. Now, if you want to help your child buy a car, that's another story."

Avoid comparisons:
Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when parents of your child's friends are saying "yes," Birnbach points out.

Wise recognizes this as a frustration, but continues to tell parents to stand firm by their decisions. Your son may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. Wise suggests telling your child to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your son has qualities and possessions that attract his friends and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

Changing the behavior:
Once your child does start acting spoiled, it may seem impossible to change this behavior. However, Wise does have some ideas for parents:

• Teach charity
  For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your child, tell her so. Go on to explain that she does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow her to choose a few favorite items and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach her about giving to others while learning to value what she has.
  
  
• Stand firm
  Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your child. You must consistently tell your child when you think he or she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, as Wise said earlier, begin setting limits and standing by them.
  
  
• Think of the future
  Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your children, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything. They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your child, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things - just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not 10.