Keeping The Faith

Talking About Faith With Your Child

(CBS)  Curiosity is natural part of childhood, but when young people turn their attention to examining different religions, parents often worry.

Mimi Doe, the author of "10 Principles Of Spiritual Parenting" and The Early Show contributor Lisa Birnbach have some thoughts on what parents should and shouldn't do when facing this situation.

Called a "spiritual parenting guru" by both Ladies' Home Journal and London's Guardian newspaper, Doe has talked to numerous parents about this issue. She says that there is a huge boom in kids, about 11 or older, who want to define their own sense of spirituality these days.

As she explains it, this is the way that this generation of young people seems to react to world events. They are looking for something good in a frightening world.

Young people always are searching for a sense of belonging, says Doe. Ideally, they should find that within their families, but they often search elsewhere. And this search elicits mixed reactions from parents.

According to Doe, some are thrilled that their child is interested in spiritual issues. But many parents feel threatened and fear that their value system is being rejected. As Doe puts it, they are saying to themselves "How can you do this to me?"

These inquisitive young people are not just coming from one religious background. She says that some are embracing Buddhism or Islam while others are becoming born-again Christians or devout Catholics. And while some are from religious homes and now are exploring a religion other than that of their parents, others were raised with little or no religion and are finding one on their own.

Whatever the case may be, Doe advocates that parents be a part of the child's exploration process, joining them in their quest for knowledge and Birnbach agrees.

Here are some of their suggestions for parents:

• Attend a religious service at the church or temple to which your child has been drawn. Seeing and hearing this faith first hand will allow you to have conversations about it with your child and to better understand why they are attracted to a particular belief system. For example, Doe says: If your child expresses interest in Zen, find a monastery in your area that you both could visit to learn more about it.
  
  
• Explore another faith in the context of something academic, says Birnbach. Make it all part of an overall educational process by reading a book, taking a class or seeing a movie about a particular faith.
  
  
• Define what you believe as a parent. It is enough to use a label like Reform Jew or Methodist or Buddhist, says Doe. Parents should be able to state what their beliefs and values are so that their children really understand them. If they choose to explore other beliefs, that's fine, but they at least need to understand what beliefs are held at home. Birnbach, a conservative Jew, says she taught her children a prayer and says it at bedtime with them. She says she has noticed the children saying it at other times to comfort themselves.
  
  
• Think of religion as a way to connect with your kids and a way to connect with the larger family, says Birnbach. In her case, shared faith is a thing that her children have in common with her parents - giving them a special way to relate to one another. Interestingly, Birnbach says she knows many parents who have been raising their kids without any particular religion and has noticed that when a disaster strikes, religion is what they turn to; it answers a very primal need, she says.

How does a parent know when a child's exploration or embracing of another faith has gone too far?

Much depends on the "spiritual temperament" of the child, says Doe. Every child is unique, and parents have to determine what for their own child is "too far." She says that parents need to separate their issues from their child's. For example, just because a parent doesn't embrace the born-again belief or Islam does not mean that it is inherently a bad thing.

That being said, Doe makes clear that a young person's exploration can become dangerous. She says that warning lights should go off for a parent when:

• The particular faith that the child is examining is defining itself as the only one to follow.
  
  
• The child is not experiencing his or her teen years - is pulling apart from the family to follow the faith.
  
  
• The child is spending an inordinate amount of time with the faith group and not in any other activities.

So what should a parent do if he thinks that a situation is getting out of hand?

First, approach the adults who are the leaders of the faith group with which the child has become involved. They likely are not villains. In fact, it may be that your child is taking things much further than the leader would recommend.

Second, have a frank and open discussion about the situation with your child and express your concerns.

If it still seems as if the situation is out of control, Doe recommends seeking outside help from a therapist or counselor.