The Holiday Letter

Christmas letter, card, message, holidays, winter, tree, decoration AP

'Tis the season for my second annual selection of excerpts of Christmas Letters From Famous People That You Might Not Have Received.


From Janet Jackson:
Well, it's been a challenging year, to say the least. But I never got too sad or depressed. I remained the optimist that I always am. You see, I'm the kind of person who looks at life as the bra being half full ...


From Barry Bonds:
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP THINKING THAT I'M ON STEROIDS???


From John Kerry And Teresa Heinz Kerry:
JOHN: Teresa and I are writing this letter together because we are a team.

TERESA: We're not a team. I'm my own individual.

JOHN: And that's why I love her. Anyway, it was a difficult year, but one I'm very proud of. I wouldn't have done anything differently.

TERESA: You mean you're happy you lost?

JOHN: Maybe if you stopped interrupting, I'd be able to make my point.

TERESA: Go ahead. Make your little point. Politics is silly anyway. I have many more important things in my life.

JOHN: What I'm trying to say is that we fought the good fight, we didn't get down in the mud, and I never had to resort to actually having a platform or taking any positions.

TERESA: I think you would have won if you had let me talk more.

JOHN: And that's why I love her.


From Ben Affleck:
Humbug!


From President Bush:
This is a time for reflection and gratitude. Looking at my reflection in the White House bathroom mirror, I am grateful. I'm grateful that the country has had such a good year. I'm happy that the war in Iraq is such a success, despite people being killed every day. I'm happy that our economy is such a success, despite its now being controlled by China and Japan. And of course, I'm happy that I had such a huge victory in November, beating the opposition by almost 2 percent. It was also a year of surprises. To tell you the truth, I didn't even know that Jeb was also Governor of Ohio.


From Colin Powell:
Yeah! I'm out of there. Merry Christmas to all!


From Aleta St.James: (the 56-year-old woman who had twins)
I've been so busy, I barely have time to write this holiday letter. As the whole world knows, I received a double blessing this year. Not surprisingly, my two bundles of joy have changed my life. Now that things have settled down a bit, I only have one question -- What was I thinking?!


From Donald Trump:
This is my favorite time of year, because I can buy anything I want. Of course, I can do that all year long, but this season reminds me of just how rich I am. And who cares if you don't like my hair? Of course, I have a hit TV show, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm also doing some TV commercials. I'm not doing them because I need the money, but because I want to share my personality with as many people as possible. Before this year, I never thought my life could get any better, but it sure has. There's nothing I can't do. In fact, there are just a few words I'd like to say that sum up my feelings about the Christmas spirit: "Santa Claus, you're fired!"



Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.

By Lloyd Garver
  • Lloyd Vries

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