Saving Tiger Woods: 5 Better Excuses

Last Updated Dec 6, 2009 6:49 PM EST

Everybody's speculating about how much Tiger Woods ill-fated wee hours SUV ride is going to cost him in product endorsements (or divorce proceedings). He's certainly got a lot to lose. If Nike decides the recent brouhaha is going to cause viewers to misinterpret its "Just do it" slogan, Woods could lose an endorsement deal that's reportedly worth more than $100 million. Divorce? Forget the prenuptial agreement. In a situation like this, the fight could last years and still cost half his assets. There are reports that Tiger's offering his wife some $60 million to stay.
Don't you wonder whether this potential disaster could have been averted with a good story for the public--in other words, a decent excuse?

This isn't usually my shtick. I'm normally writing about serious topics, like health reform, the risks of using a debit card, or how hidden fees can eat up your retirement account. But this made me think of the preposterous excuses that people purportedly wrote onto auto accident claim forms. I couldn't resist coming up with my own Letterman-like excuses for Tiger. Feel free to jump in here, I'm just going for five.

1. I was sleep walking--sleep driving, really--and Elin was trying to wake me up. I'm a heavy sleeper.

2. I have an evil twin.

3. Text messages and voice mails? I lent my cell phone to my caddy. He does great impersonations. (Note to self: Give caddy a really big holiday bonus.)

4. Have we talked about my sleep-walking/driving/texting problem?

5. It turns out I'm allergic to polo shirts and the constant exposure has made me do really strange things that I have no recollection of later. (There are some doctors in California that will attest to this "condition" and would likely suggest treating it with medical marijuana.)

Got an excuse for Tiger? We'd love to hear it.

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