Tonight, I want to help you wishy-washy Americans who haven't decided yet who to vote for Tuesday. Let me talk to you about both candidates. People decide who to vote for for some pretty silly reasons, I know that.
Take what they look like, for example. Both Bush and Kerry are probably better looking than you are, so there's not much for you to choose between there.
Now, if you like tall, Kerry is taller.
The president looks like a nice, average, ordinary guy, and that's good.
He isn't nice, average and ordinary but that's what he looks like.
Sen. Kerry, on the other hand, doesn't seem nice, average and ordinary. He's probably not much fun at a party, but he doesn't want to go to the party. He wants to go to the White House.
The president wins when it comes to brains. People like a candidate who doesn't seem to have too many, sometimes, because it reminds them of themselves.
Sen. Kerry, on the other hand, does seem too smart sometimes.
President Bush is for the death penalty. John Kerry is against the death penalty - except for geese.
Bush accuses Kerry of changing his mind. But Kerry has always been a Catholic. The president started as an Episcopalian, then he joined the Presbyterian Church and now he's a Methodist.
Religion is a factor in this election. There are 65 million Catholics and only eight million Methodists. Methodists are Protestant, though, and there are 150 million Protestants. A lot of Protestants would never vote for any Catholic. Forget John Kerry. They wouldn't vote for the pope if he was running.
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
John Kerry, on the other hand, says he wants to improve the financial status of what he calls "middle class Americans." "Middle class" for him means they don't belong to a country club.
So that's it, you undecideds. Decide, for goodness' sake.
I'm Andy Rooney and I approved of this message.
Written By Andy Rooney