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Madoff's "How To Sell" Business Book!!!

  • Note to readers: a few weeks ago, I posted what I thought was a business book proposal from Bernie Madoff. Turns out that he was envisioning a shortish book along the lines of "The One Minute Manager." My friend in the publishing industry passed along the final manuscript which, alas, will not now be published. Fortunately, I've gotten permission to post the entire book. Enjoy!

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HOW TO SELL SECURITIES


Five success secrets from high pressure world of financial sales
that you can apply in your own career

by
Bernard L. Madoff

Wily Books
2009
All Rights Reserved

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Click here to read Chapter 1 »

SALES SUCCESS SECRET #1: YOU ARE THE BRAND


A lot of sales professionals think that people buy because of the reputation of their firm or their products.

Wotta buncha dopes!

Product branding and corporate branding might convince people to buy laundry detergent, but when if you're gonna sell something that's complicated -- especially if it's too complicated for the customer to easily understand -- then you, my friend, are the brand.

Yes, the customer is buying YOU -- who you are, how you look, how you talk, how you act, and what you say. All the rest of that branding stuff is just so much bull puckey.

Look, the only reason that anyone is going to buy anything complicated from YOU (as opposed to the guy down the street) is that the prospect thinks you're better, smarter, and more reliable.

That means that YOU gotta be the expert. YOU gotta to have the right appearance. YOU gotta know when to talk and when to shut the heck up. It's all about YOU.

So forget about that marketing budget. Forget about that pricey ad campaign. Forget about the product, even.

Heck, if you make yourself enough of a brand, you can even sell something that's completely impossible, like stock investments that consistently pay double digit returns year after year.

You can even get government regulators to act like braindead nodding bobbleheads.

Brand. It's all about YOU. Don't ever forget it.

Weekend at Bernies

Click here to read Chapter 2 »

SALES SECRET #2: GET RELIGION... FAST

A lot of sales professionals go to church or temple in the hopes that God will help their careers.

Wotta buncha dopes!

The only reason to go to church or temple is because that's where you're gonna find prospects!

Back in 1995, when I first started thinking about "creative" business models, the Foundation for New Era Philanthropy (great name, by the way) landed $700 million from around a hundred evangelical Christian churches. And just last week, an enterprising entrepreneur in Manhattan got $600,000 right out of the pockets of parishioners.

And I'm sure you've noticed that those interesting "business opportunity" emails from Nigeria always have a religious flavor to them. And no wonder, the people who respond to them tend to be avid churchgoers.

Why are religious institutions the happy hunting ground? Simple. To secure tithes and donations, your local pastor, priest, rabbi or imam must constantly harp that that "faith" in unverifiable "facts" is a positive personality trait. The religiously observant are thus already primed to cough up dough without applying much (if any) skepticism.

Thus, if you want to extend your business network and pick up relatively easy sales without suffering through a lot of pesky objections, you want prospects who are already paying somebody big money to talk with an imaginary friend.

Your religion! Don't go on a sales call without it!

Click here to read Chapter 3 »

SALES SECRET #3: SUPPORT YOUR GOVERNMENT

A lot of sales professionals think their customers are best served if the market regulates itself.

Wotta buncha dopes!

The people who benefit from unregulated markets are those of us who know how to make a quick buck (or better yet big bucks) playing on the general gullibility of the public.

It's in therefore in your interest to help elect people (of either party) who actually believe that government regulation is a bad idea -- and can convince gullible voters that it's a bad idea.

Now, because only a lunkhead thinks that the voting public is well served by letting financial wizards run hog wild, we should work to ensure that as many lunkheads as possible are in positions of power within government.

Obviously, the best and most useful lunkheads are the ones who are either extremely likable or extremely religious, and preferably both.

Needless to say, you'll find a lot more of these types in the Republican party than the Democratic party, but (let's face it) there are plenty to go around!

Just look at President Elect Obama's economic team!

Likable lunkheads! Your ticket to prosperity.

Click here to read Chapter 4 »

SALES SECRET #4: KNOW WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED

A lot of sales professionals think that you do research about clients in order to help them solve their problems.

Wotta buncha dopes!

The reason that you find out everything you can about your clients is because you want to know where the bodies are buried.

Needless to say, I'm speaking figuratively here, although obviously it would be a wonderful thing to have evidence that would prove a client committed murder.

In most cases (alas) your leverage will be less dramatic: bribe, affairs, kickbacks, etc.

You'd be surprised how much of that stuff goes on, especially in the executive suite.

And while you're at it, don't forget to find out everything you can about political figures, judges, and other people of power from whom you might need a favor.

An extra advantage of supporting plenty of lunkheads is that if you ever happen to break any laws, you'll have plenty of friends who will keep you out of jail.

Dead bodies. Buried.

Think of them as your own personal "Stay Out of Jail Free" cards.

Click here to read Chapter 5 »

SALES SECRET #5: HAVE FUN WHEN YOU SELL

A lot of sales professionals think that selling is hard work.

Wotta buncha dopes!

Selling is fun. There's nothing more enjoyable than taking the money from some poor schmuck and then giving them something totally useless in return.

This book is a case in point.

Now that you've shelled out $24.95 for this business book, you can bet that I'm having all sorts of fun.

However, in the spirit of "spreading the fun around," here's a fun little exercise.

It's called "Where's #%&! Bernie?". Here's how you play.

You look over the little picture below until you find me. Hint: I'm not in the jail!!!

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