Leslie Nielsen: Best "Airplane" Quotes and "Naked Gun" One-Liners

Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin in the movie "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!"
AP Photo/Paramount

NEW YORK (CBS) When Leslie Nielsen traded in his dramatic chops to star in comedies, he racked up a list of hilarious one-liners.

Some of his most well-known (and often-quoted) lines came from his roles as the hapless Dr. Rumack in 1980's "Airplane!" and as the accident-prone detective Lt. Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun" comedies.

PICTURES: Leslie Nielsen

Here are some of the late actor's most memorable movie quotes.

From "Airplane!" (1980):

Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.

Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley!

--

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?

Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

--

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur: I can't tell.

Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.

Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.

Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?

Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.

Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

--

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.

Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

--

Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.

Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.

Rumack: I'm doing everything I can...and stop calling me Shirley!

--

From "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988):

Lt. Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.

--

Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

--

Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

--

Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.

Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my* policy!

Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar," you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

--

Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

--

From "The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear" (1991):

Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?

Jane: He's Caucasian.

Ed: Caucasian?

Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.

Frank: Awfully big moustache.

--

Frank: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

--

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.

Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?

Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

--

Frank: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!

[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]

Frank: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

--

President George Bush: Frank, please consider filling a post I'm creating. It may mean long hours and dangerous nights, surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.

Frank: You want me to be in your cabinet?

--

What's your favorite Leslie Nielsen quote? Share yours in the comments.

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