Simply stated, the implications of the people's mandate in this historic election will redefine even the most basic American assumptions, shattering our traditional views on balance of power, gender, leadership personas, pacifism, race and a host of defining issues. What better reason, then, to get unbelievably, explosively wasted.
From the vantage point of history, it doesn't seem as terrible now that I pissed away election night 2004 biting my arm skin at Cellar Restaurant in Wilbur's Underground. Compared to this, the last election wasn't really that big of a deal. I mean, it was a shame that amongst other freshman, I would consciously reject drunken euphoria in lieu of Dance Dance Revolution machines and faux parties with loads of Diet Pepsi and people chanting in board shorts. That's sad to me. But not nearly as sad as it would be now.
Since this is a such a crucial period in American history, I feel it's my duty as a public figure to persuade the citizens of this fine university to avoid college-sponsored events and get drunk on their own: in house parties, at the voting booth, by themselves or with their chinchillas. But far, far away from the auspices of this establishment. It's lame here, to be honest, and it's even lamer to be here on the biggest party night since Independence Day!
Election night debauchery idea Number 1: Get drunk while voting. Like I stated earlier, this is a wonderful solution to any pre-drunk McCain wins. If you're smashed before they even start counting, you won't have to be upset all night! But, for dog's sake, make a game out of it. I say, fill a water bottle with your favorite vodka, and every time you check "no" on a proposition, take a swig. Hopefully, that'll be a lot. Or better yet, if you truly want majority rules and homeowner's rights, death to illegals or whatever, take a swig every time you vote to retain a judge. That should be sufficient, unless you're an asshole.
Election night debauchery idea Number 2: Celebrate the death of America. I heard this one on conservative talk radio, although it might have been slightly different. Throw a party where everyone dresses up in ghost costumes left over from Halloween. Put a festive ham in the crock pot and totally sear it so it's ashy and inedible. Do a lot of raving around, call someone an offensive and borderline racist name and then have a sance at the end when everyone's tipsy. I think they said this idea only works if Obama wins, but it'll probably happen so don't worry.
Election night ridiculous idea Number 3: Crash your opponent's party. If you're a Democrat, this would be at a local church. If you're a Republican, at an abortion clinic. If you're a Libertarian, just leave Coffee X-Change. When you get there, pretend to be really nice and on their side for about a half an hour. Cheer when they cheer. Heckle when they heckle. Then, when someone finally accidentally offends you, make a show of it. It'll get really awkward at this point, so maybe you should leave. Then, when you get outside and no one can hear, call them a terrorist!
Election idea Number 4: Have your own party, but don't watch the news. Just get drunk instead.
Election idea Number 5: Have a serious party where you analyze what's going on when it happens. I don't suggest this one, but some may insist on it. And I'd rather persuade you to do this than go see that guy who calls himself an MP3-J at Wilbur's Underground. Draw diagrams. Care about who wins. Discuss - how shall I say - politics. Be really excited for the entirety of the election, but then jaded and ironic after the anti-climax. Try to forget about the entire thing for four years until someone comes along who you actually like. Or take the high road and stay interested in politics. Decorate your house with Busisms and pretend you're smarter than everyone on television. Picket a major road. Have a meeting in the back room of La Indita. Accost people and guilt them into signing forms on University Boulevard. Pretend you're fighting against the terrors and injustices of the current administration. Pretend you're changing the world.
Whatever you do, whomever you vote for, just don't go to Maloney's.