Column: GOP Cringes At Suggestion Of Removing Religion From Its Rhetoric

This story was written by Nate Whitney, The Daily Iowan
The bloggers, talking heads and various forms of media asshats (myself included) are still buzzing about Kathleen Parker's Washington Post column this week, "Giving up on God." So are the bombastic douche bags that yell and scream on right-wing talk radio, though they're screeching a different tune, something like "repent, ye child of God, or thou will burn in the fiery pits of hell." Ah, the love of Christ compels them.

Parker had the gall to suggest that maybe, just maybe, the Republican Party might be more successful in the future if the members abandoned the practice of basing policy on religious doctrine. She's typically conservative, and she knew she'd be drawing serious ire from the Bible thumpers when her penned thoughts became print on Wednesday. She knew this because she's intelligent, experienced andbecasue she expected as much, as witnessed by such lines as "I'm bathing in holy water as I type" and "writer ties blindfold and smokes her last cigarette." She knew this also because typically it's how that lot responds to criticism, valid or otherwise. They're old pros at dishing it, but the neurons don't quite fire the same way when that criticism comes back at them.

I'm guessing (and, I know, it's a total stretch, but follow me here) that one from this crowd of literally holier-than-thou hooligans (as well coifed and nerdishly dressed as hooligans come) would tell me, an empirical agnostic theist (translate: Godless liberal heathen) that I was wrong. They'd tell me I don't know because I don't know God, and her plan is superior, and her vision is just and true. God doesn't speak to me, I'll be the first to admit. It's possible that I missed her text while I was shaving this morning, or maybe I just don't listen when she does choose to speak to me (that tends to happen to the women in my life).

Luckily, God does speak to some of us. Take for instance the Rev. Richard C. Weaver, the "Handshake Man." Weaver has crashed numerous presidential inaugurations, shaking the hands of six presidents and numerous senators. He shows up uninvited, passes the stanchions and security details so that he can pass on the good word of the almighty to our elected officials. I guess he's basically a messenger, on a mission from God, who picked Weaver as her lips on this Earth.

All I can think is "That must be one hell of a rsum Weaver whipped up to get this job" and that I need to get the number of his agent.

Weaver got caught at W's last shindig, in 2005. Capitol police nabbed him, he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor unlawful entry, and he was barred from trying to attend presidential events for five years. This is unfortunate not only for the almighty, seeing as her divine powers aren't as omnipotent as the D.C. police force's, which has to be a shot on the old pride, but it's also unfortunate for President-elect Barack Obama, because, according to Weaver, the lord has a message for our new leader. Evidently the White House is so secretive about contact numbers for the president that God couldn't get past the Oval Office operator.

Weaver told the Washington Post that he was watching television last week (Fox News, I'm guessing, or maybe "7th Heaven" reruns) when God spoke to him and said, "The glory of the Lord has departed from the Democratic Party."

This is shocking, not because God didn't wait for a commercial break, but because most of us are amazed that the lord's glory was ever present in the Democratic Party to begin with.

God also told Weaver, as he was munching on Cheetos and sipping Shasta, "You have chosen a secular messiah You will see the Democrats take America further down the road to insecurity."

Three things stick out to me here. One, who drinks Shasta anymore? Two, I'm dumbfounded that Godherself is encouraging the liberals by admitting Obama is a "messiah." Three, America is insecure? I mean, we've got a lot of problems with this economy, energy issues, homophobia, numerous military fronts, and I know we're getting more and more obese, but insecure? Seriously, Lord?

So I'm left wondering why God's wisdom hasn't rained down on the GOP directly. How is it possible that she hasn't yet said to Limbaugh, "Stop using my name in vain." Not because they're cursing, but because it's not working.

Republicans should listen. For the country's sake, for the need of two strong and diverse parties, I hope they do. Listen to Kathleen Parker. God's obviously got her ear.
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