7 tips on how to apologize in the business world

(Credit: Image courtesy of Flickr user Matt Brock cc)

I believe that apologies are woefully underused in professional communication. Hyper-sensitivity to liability, finger-pointing, entitlement, and a lack of accountability drive good people to avoid acknowledging mistakes, let alone apologizing for them. This resistance to apologizing does all sorts of bad things professionally. The longer issues are left unaddressed, the deeper the resentment and the harder it is to move forward.

Here's what I like about professional apologies:

-- Apologies take the energy out of conflicts

-- Apologies separate time into past and future, problem and resolution

-- Apologies allow for recognition of shared accountability

Believe it or not, there are lots of bad ways to apologize. A few examples of what not to say:

-- "I'm sorry you feel that way."

-- "You have to admit, a big part of this is your fault too."

-- "There's lots of blame to be spread around here."

Here are guidelines on how to make a professional apology:

1. Separate the apology and the explanation -- The apology has to stand on its own. I know you want the other person to understand your intentions, the circumstances under which things happened and, most important, that it is not all your fault. However, he or she cannot hear this at the same time as the apology. They will hear the explanation (read: "excuses and accusations"), rather than the apology. Instead, just apologize. Get clarity that you have apologized, and make no explanations or excuses until the apology has been accepted.

2. Ask for the discussion, but don't insist upon it -- "If you would like to discuss the circumstances around this so we can work on avoiding issues in the future, I'm open to it, but it's not necessary. I want to move forward." This invitation puts the ball into the other person's court and allows for the discussion to be invited rather than forced. If they don't want to discuss, don't push it.

3. One-up the connection -- If you can, you want to move the connection method for the apology to its highest level. Face-to-face is best, but GoToMeeting or Skype is second, then phone, then letter and finally email. The point is that professional apologies are still personal.

4. Don't assume you know what will make it right, but be prepared with options -- If the issue that requires the apology also requires some resolution, ask what the other person believes will "make this right." Have options ready, but don't offer them first. Instead, ask and consider what they have suggested.

5. Own more than your portion -- When mistakes are made or offenses given, there is a tendency to get to a 50/50 assignment of responsibility. You have to own your entire portion without seeking them to own theirs. This usually means owning the entire problem in your apology. Remember, one of the things you are trying to do is get past this point in the business relationship. You won't accomplish that doing "guilt fractions."

6. Focus on what happens next -- Close out the issue with the person and then move to immediate next steps. Time may heal, but action accelerates it.

7. Move on -- There is no sense in hanging onto this issue or walking on eggshells. If you have given the apology and it has been accepted, then you need to keep moving. If the other person chooses to bring the issue up again, simply state, "When I apologized and you accepted it, I considered the matter closed."

Professional apologies allow companies and people to resolve issues, change the direction of a relationship and move forward. If you are looking for "justice" in your professional relationships, I think you are destined for disappointment. I encourage you to be satisfied with resolution and move on.

[harvyk100]

Whilst it might seem all noble to apologise if you make a mistake, you gave the best reason not to at the start, the hyper-sensitivity to liability.

Before offering an unreserved apology I would strongly recommend looking at what the long term ramifications are or could be. Because the last thing you want is for the client to come back to you and say "so you admit fault, we will now be suing you for $X", and then your professional indemnity insurer to say "since you've admitted fault, you're on your own". Most insurance contracts I've seen have a special clause which prevents the insured from getting a payout if they admit liability. From what I know, insurance companies want to be the ones to make that call.

It's for this reason that most apologies from big companies I have seen have come from "standed authorised apology form letter #154" or if verbal "standard appology script". It's carefully constructed so that "they are sorry, but accept no liability".

[TomSearcy]

It is a challenging balance to achieve in a highly litigious society. The balance between authentic acceptance of greater than your share of responsibility without tipping the scales to a level of inappropriate and disproportionate liability.

Having acknowledged the potential risk, for most organizations the better route to take is one of clear and direct apology with an understanding prior as to what you are willing to do to remedy. This does not invalidate the need to ask the other party what they see as fair, but it does give you an internal guide as to the reasonability of a request.

[harvyk100]

So what would you do if you do provide an unreserved apology and their response is "thanks for the apology, we don't accept it and you'll be hearing from our lawyer shortly".

Whilst yes, you most likely have a contract in place to protect you, I have also found that off the cuff comments (which can easily happen if you give a genuine apology) can put you in a very weak position. Something which you think is a throw away line can be brought back to bite you quite nastily.

I myself have used such a thing against a company when the employee said something that they probably didn't mean (or really have authority to say), but office of fair trading sided with me.