Stop asking people to mentor you

(MoneyWatch) Like, oh, everyone else on the planet, I've been reading Sheryl Sandberg's new book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Her writings on working motherhood will no doubt be hashed out many other places (including my personal blog), but one of the chapters I found most interesting -- and I think won't be discussed as much -- is one called "Are you my mentor?"

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Sheryl Sandberg pushes women to "lean in"

The title refers to a much-loved children's book called Are You My Mother? A little bird searches around for his mother, plaintively asking different objects and animals that question. Sandberg says that she's almost come to dread the equally plaintive "will you be my mentor?" question from women starting out in their careers.

It's not that she's against mentoring -- far from it. She also recognizes how important it is to have mentors for one's career growth. Instead, she notes that "searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming.... Now young women are told that if they can just find the right mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the corner office to live happily ever after. Once again, we are teaching women to be too dependent on others."

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Asking a virtual stranger to mentor you probably isn't going to get you far. "The strongest relationships spring out of a real and often earned connection felt by both sides." Studies, she writes, "show that mentors select proteges based on performance and potential." Given this, "I believe we have sent the wrong message to young women. We need to stop telling them, 'Get a mentor and you will excel.' Instead, we need to tell them, 'Excel and you will get a mentor.'" The word itself need never come up. Instead, "the relationship is more important than the label."

The problem for many people is that building these relationships takes time -- lots of time. It takes working together and meeting multiple times, and being prepared and positive and asking smart questions. It's a lot more straightforward to try to create an "official" relationship. But relationships are hard to rush.

That's a problem for women with building our careers because not only do women who work full-time work fewer hours than men who work full-time, many women also say they want to work part-time -- fewer hours than they're working. If you want to work less, you're probably not going to put more time into the soft side of work that goes beyond getting the work done. But these hours matter. They are what lead to real mentoring relationships -- relationships that work.

Do you have a mentor?

Photo courtesy flickr user Alex E. Proimos

[mrtoberman100]

Maybe I'm just missing the point. I'm female, and in each company or industry I have generally excelled faster and further beyond counterparts who have more experience or more hours in that company. Things I do in general are: don't whine, speak up and speak out to the boss, take on extra projects. I have never asked anyone to be my mentor and agree what this article is stating that you can't just wander around and ask this. I recently hired a manager who was upset that she didn't get specialized treatment and didn't like that she was held accountable for actions - or rather non-actions. When she quit she made a huge point of stating that she was looking for a mentor type of relationship. I know this is terrible but I wanted to laugh at this - she had more experience and years in our industry and was pursuing her business masters - and I was supposed to be her mentor??

[13Nadia13]

I agree that this message is of great importance to women who are trying to grow their careers. Before I started reading the media coverage surrounding Sandberg's book, I had identified two people in my industry who I wish to emulate. Originally I was going to ask them for advice before I tried a few things to beef up my portfolio.However, I am now going to beef up the portfolio first, so that I have something to impress them with when I do contact them. This will definately appear more professional than simply acting like a damsel in distress who needs their help in order to progress in my career!

[DebraFeldman]

As I re-read this article, it is clear to me that mentoring and networking are complementary experiences. Those who value relationships are far more likely to invest the time (including outside of business hours) to develop the kind of connections that become mentoring relationships. If the more junior party doesn't make the effort to show they are trustworthy, generous and reliable, then no one further along in their own career will step forth with support and mentor them. As the article makes clear, mentoring ( like networking) is a relationship, not a transaction.

[kfhenderson]

All I can say is, "In what universe are women working fewer hours (just counting paid work) than men?" Not in mine.

[lvanderkam]

This is data from the American Time Use Survey, done by the Bureau of Labor Statistics annually. It's based on time diaries kept by thousands of Americans. Even women who work full-time log fewer hours than men who work full-time. This doesn't have anything to do with your hours personally -- I'm sure you work plenty of hours! -- but on average, women log fewer hours at paid jobs. They do more housework and childcare, though.