My boss doesn't understand that I have kids

(MoneyWatch) Dear Evil HR Lady,
I work for an employer who does not understand people with children. I have 2 kids, both are sick. My husband took one day off this week so it is my turn to stay home and care for them. I called my supervisor yesterday to tell her I would not be in today and made sure she knew exactly where things were in the process to ensure a smooth work day and results out in time. However, I did not email the owner or the company until late this morning as I have been slammed taking care of my children. The owner keeps her company under 50 employees intentionally; I'm sure you are familiar with why.

As I am trying to get to my question here, if the owner wants to "write me up" for not being in today, do I have to sign this even if I gave my immediate supervisor almost a 24 hour notice that I would be out?

There is no right to stay home with sick kids. Even if your company had more than 50 employees, and was therefore eligible for FMLA, routine childhood illnesses aren't generally covered. One day off is just that, one day off, regardless of the number of employees.

First of all, the owner isn't being mean or irrational in keeping his staffing at a level which reduces interference from the federal government. Being subject to additional rules and regulations is expensive.

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So, yes, you can be written up for skipping work, even if you notified your supervisor. Signing generally indicates that you've received notice of the write up, not that you agree that you should be punished. You also, clearly, agree that you took an unscheduled day off. Notifying your supervisor does not equal permission. Additionally, the fact that you did email the owner later in the day indicates to me that you knew that you needed permission from the owner, not just acknowledgement from your supervisor. So, why didn't you do it the day before, as you did with your direct boss? Surely in the 24 hours between when you told your supervisor and when you didn't show up to work, you had 15 seconds to write an email to the owner, right?

You didn't do it, though. Being clairvoyant (and having talked to about a zillion people about why their boss is out to get them), I know why: It's easier to get forgiveness than permission and you knew the big boss would say no. By notifying your supervisor within a reasonable amount of time you get to maintain your own belief that you did everything you could, even though you know you should have told the owner sooner.

Now, should this business owner be more flexible? Absolutely. Good employees are hard to come by and when you have one, you should do what it takes to keep the employee happy and productive. Two income families and single parents generally have to miss work if a kid is sick. Everyone knows this, but the reality is that the reason businesses hire people is to make money. If you're not working, you're not helping the business make money.

Now, in Evil HR Lady's ideal world, bosses would be sympathetic, employees would bust their buns to get their jobs done, and everyone would be judged not by their face time but by the end results. Everyone would be happy to jump in to help when necessary and no one would ever lie about why they can't come into the office. Unfortunately, no one voted for me as queen of the universe, so this isn't likely.

You know that your company owner isn't big on flexibility. So, you have options. You can look for a new job. You can make your husband the primary caregiver for the children. You can move closer to grandma or your favorite cousin who is willing to take the little ones when they are puking. But what is silly is getting upset because the owner of your company is acting entirely as predicted.

If you want to continue working there, you can work to help the owner understand why it's important to his bottom line to allow you (and all other employees) flexibility. If you can show that missing a day for a sick kid, or working from home or coming in at 6:00 a.m. and going home at 2:00 while your husband goes in to his office at 2:00, all makes him money, his heart will soften.

If you make a sincere attempt to try to see things through his eyes, it's more likely that he'll be able to see things through yours.

Have a workplace dilemma? Send your question to [e-mail].

[spoken01100]

Maybe working women are the problem....hate to sound 1950...but among the many other problems that women bring to the work force(emotional reaction does not belong at work)
This is another.....Kids are important, their activities are important...maybe women with children should not beworking at all as it seems to breed better children and we NEED better children to run the world of the future so maybe your REAL jobs are being shorted for the money you need to survive....what ya think??

[gbgentleman]

Yeah....shut up and return to the past. Women have equal rights now days.

My wife and I SHARE the responsibility of our children. We split time staying home and every thing else.

[tek-ed]

Squeezing out a kid isn't a requirement of life. It's a choice...a choice you made and a choice you need to live with regardless of whether you like it or not.
I am child-free by choice. I made this choice because I did not want the burden on my life of raising children. This is a choice *I* made.
Why does an employer need to make allowances for a choice you made? My employer certainly doesn't make allowances for *MY* choice!
If an employer gives preferential treatment to employees with children, then it is discriminatory to the employees without children. As a Child-Free-by-choice individual, if I saw an employee getting preferential treatment just because they have a child, I would certainly raise this discriminatory practice to HR and demand equal preference. We all make choices in life. Just because you can't manage the choices you've made, doesn't mean we all have to suffer!

[primary1]

Just based upon the bitterness you exude, I think you made a wise choice.

[tramky]

People are just amazing. Why should an employer act like a parent? The employer has work to be done, and it doesn't stop because someone's child is sick, or because you need to visit a dentist, or whatever. This is certainly true for small business, and is REALLY true for micro-business (those with less than 10 employees). In a micro-business, when one employee is gone, 10% or more of the workforce is GONE!

Being a parent is YOUR responsibility and YOUR decision, not anyone else's. Certainly not your employer's. A lot of people in this country have all manner of problems, and they want someone ELSE to solve them--and pay them as well. America has become a truly bizarre place, filled with bizarre people with their minds closed and their hands out.

[Lani_k]

Gosh what a lot of vitriol about working mothers! I think EvilHRLady has it right - it's the other side of the coin that the mother who wrote in maybe (sounds probable) hasn't considered...

There are a lot of mothers who do have a sense of entitlement in their desire to parent more closely their children - it's actually I'd say a fairly strong part of parenthood - protect and develop and support your children before almost everything else. People who haven't had children may not realise this is the case/instinctive mindset, and people who have had children need to recognise and balance this with the needs of others in the workplace and employers.

While the mother who sent the question in attempted to balance this by taking turns with her husband to have time off the reality is that some jobs, occupations, professions and employers have different needs and views on this. Ideally the mother will broach the subject with her employer and ask what is best to do in future - and follow that. Legal entitlements are one thing, workplace relations are another.

Alternatively the parent/s can identify jobs/employers where this won't be an issue and change their lifestyle to accommodate the changes in their lives/children's needs. Older children can be left alone for periods of time, there isn't always an extended family to offer childcare, and childcare centres sending the kids home are usually the reason the parents can't work - they have a 'no sick kids' policy so every kid (and therefore every parent associated) doesn't have to take time off.

And parents need to recognise that just because they have children they don't get to have every holiday off, or weekends, or flexible schedules at the expense of someone else's ability to access those same things. This goes for sick leave, unplanned absences, annual leave, study leave etc too. The resentment the above comments show is almost certainly a result of being told too many times "no you can't have Christmas off because Jane is because she has kids" or having to cover at short notice the workload of colleagues who are frequently out with their kids for a multitude of reasons.

[hypnotoad72]

Well, who said we were a pro-life country that espouses family values?

Oh, it gets better:

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/career/supervisor-wants-employee-to-quit-part-time-job/2902
(if such a worker is so valuable, pay them what they're worth so they won't look elsewhere. Duh.)

[dman6015]

So here's what you do. Take the sick kids into work with you. Let them come in and infect everyone in the office. Let's see how long it takes for "the boss" to tell you to go home for the day. To those people screaming about taking the kids to day care...you obviously haven't dealt with sick kids and day care rules. If your kid has a fever over 100 and/or is vomiting and/or is hacking up a lung, the day care will tell you to leave them at home. To the people screaming about "Grandma" or some other close-by relative, keep in mind the "nuclear family" blew up a long time ago. The closest relative may be 50, 100, or 2000 miles away. My advice...when the economy picks up a little more, find a company that is more family friendly.

[WHAT-IS-HE-SMOKING]

And here's what I would do as your boss, GO HOME WITH YOUR KIDS AND CLEAR OUT YOUR DESK. What gives them the right to bring their kids, sick or healthy into the work space? They hired the person, not the family. And if the rules are that you must notify the owner 24 hours before taking off, DO IT!

[ella_warnock]

Jesus, this is what's wrong with society today. Quite frankly, boss can most likely find many people who don't have sick, needy dependents who can do the job as well or better than Sick Mom can. My kids get sick too, and I don't get to just swan off for a day or two to play nursemaid. That's not what I'm getting paid for.

Oh, and drag your germ vectors to my workplace in some sort of lame, half-assed passive/aggressive power play? Yeaaah . . . no. If I catch their crap, Sick Parent can pay my medical bills. It's only FAAAIIIRR, right? Oh, I forgot, fair only applies to squeaky parent wheels. God, what stupid, unnecessary drama you people manufacture.

[twmat311]

I work in a team environment too (nice when you have it), but I'd say most are in a different environment where "one short equals one (or more!) short." Same-day calloffs can really throw a wrench in the works, and everything today is max productivity, where one person is already covering multiple jobs.

Unfortunately the painful truth is "if you don't like it, start looking;" maybe not easy in this climate, but unless there's strength in numbers (co-workers), that's the deal.

[hypnotoad72]

The trick is to get everyone to band together.

You know, unionzing... Oh, wait, that's been so marginalized that THAT won't happen again... ;-)

[Mitsy1212]

I have a friend who works at a public school as an aid. So far, she's missed probably 5-6 days of work because her kid (or she) was sick. Her youngest kid is 12 & I think he's old enough to stay by himself (at least part of the day). She wants to transfer to a different job within the school system yet has not been very successful in getting interviews. I have to wonder if her reliability is in question. Even if you have sick days, using a half-dozen before the first semester is over doesn't look good. Her kids are old enough to stay by themselves unless they are extremely ill (so far it's been colds, stomach issues, usual stuff). She does have relatives in town (retired) who could look after them so I have a hard time understanding her thought process. She hates her current job so she calls in trying to avoid being there.

[hypnotoad72]

So the person interviewed in the article is just like the person playing hooky?

You can figure all that out about that person but can't see the greater issues affecting all of society?

What a hoot.

[ballwyllo]

Suzanne,

I always read your articles and although I agree that your gmail handle is very representative of your profession. I want to thank you for the intelligence and insight you show in breaking down an issue.

[Suzanne Lucas]

Thank you! You're very kind. I try to point out why people are acting the way they are. Sometimes that's hard to see when you are personally being affected.

[naadarien]

Jeez people. While I don't disagree at all with the advice in the column, the comments are just beyond snarky. I am 43 and have had at least two full time jobs since I was 19. I have enjoyed both the single/no kids life (until very recently) and the family with kids life. Neither has changed my view on work. I have needed flexibility as a single person (like while I worked FT and attended college FT or when I had the flu or when I was in a serious car accident) just as I need it now as a mom/wife. I also give 100% to my job (mostly because I like it, but certainly because that is the work ethic I was raised with). It is absurd to think that because someone needs flexibility they must not be a dedicated worker. I'm not sure what job she works, but I have never had to pick up the slack of my co-workers to such an extent that it was burdensome. Their work waited patiently on their desks until they came back unless some urgency developed, and as long as that person covered me in a similar way when I was out, I'd have no problem picking up the slack, but then I have always worked on teams and that is what they are for. We all cover for each other regardless of if any team member is single or married. I might suggest you follow your own advice. If you are working for a place where helping your fellow employee in a time of hardship is a really big deal that you hate it this much to spew all of that anger here, you probably should be looking for another job too.

[naadarien]

As I said, if you work with inconsiderate jacka$$es, go get another job. If they don't back you up when you are out, then let them fall. If you are not allowed to, by all means, get a job that respects you. Trust me, it isn't your coworkers who are the problem if you are working two job for the price of one. It is your boss. A good manager doesn't let inequities like that exist for too long. He/she is supposed to be your support and cheer leader. It is his/her job to give you what you need to be productive and happy. If you are being worn out by inconsiderate coworkers (and you have mentioned the problem), then your boss doesn't care about you. I have been there and I have moved on when I was faced with the reality of an unprofessional manager/supervisior. I have also been the boss. Life is too short to put up with that crap. JS.

[golferbrown]

Hey susan,
Here is a solution.....if you know you want a career......DONT HAVE KIDS YOU CANT TAKE CARE OF......EVER HEARD OF DAY CARE?....EVER HEARD OF GRANDPARENTS (WHO A USUALLY RETIRED AND HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO PICK UP AND DROP OFF GRAND KIDS)....YOU WOMEN KILL ME WITH USING YOUR KIDS LIKE A BASEBALL BAT...HITTING EVERYONE ELSE OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM TO GET A REASON TO NOT BE AT WORK.......STOP THE MADNESS.....GET REAL...AND DONT EXPECT COMPANIES, LIKE THE GOVT., TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL DECISIONS TO HAVE RUG RATS..........MY GOD WOMAN.....WHY SHOULD COMPANIES HAVE TO GIVE YOU TIME OFF PAID OR UNPAID JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A SINGLE MOM AND HAVE CHILDREN?.....I AM A MALE, HAVE NO KIDS, AND IT IS DISCRIMINATION.....PERIOD !....I CANT GET OFF AND GET PAID IF I AM SICK AND I DONT EVEN HAVE A KID......YOU LADIES WHO HAVE KIDS JUST KILL ME...IT IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES FAULT FOR YOUR DECISION TO HAVE A CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE.......MAN UP, BE A PARENT AND STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE !!!!

[KPeters_from_UK]

Ummmm...would you give the same advice to a male parent?

[twmat311]

Never knew a "golfer" who yelled so much (caps)...