How to communicate like you mean it

Image courtesy of Flickr user NEXT Berlin

(MoneyWatch) COMMENTARY If you could only hear yourself, you'd know that things don't always come out the way you intend. You'd also understand that, sometimes, you sound like an idiot. Don't take that the wrong way; it's true of everyone, from time to time, albeit some more than others.

What got me thinking about this is a comment to one of my posts on a LinkedIn group. The guy was trying so hard to get attention, sound smart, beat his drum, indulge himself, who knows what. But he was caustic, condescending, and contradicted himself, all in the same paragraph. As a result, he really came across like a real idiot.

What's sad about that is it was a written comment. Had he read it with an open mind, perhaps putting himself in the reader's shoes before sending it, he never would have hit the send button. Or maybe he would have anyway, which highlights just how fast and easily you can destroy your reputation and credibility these days.

The truth is we all do that sort of thing from time to time. I know my mouth and fingers sometimes get ahead of my better judgment. Also I'm not as self-aware as I'd like to be. I bet that describes a lot of you, if you're willing to admit it. 

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In any case, once something comes out of your mouth or you hit the send or post button, it's out there for your boss, coworkers, employees, potential employers, customers, and more often than we realize, the entire world to see. You own it forever.

The good news is I used to run marketing and communications for a few public companies, so I've made a career and lifelong habit of ensuring that what I say and write has both impact and as few unintended consequences as possible. Here's how:

Read what you wrote before you send it. These days, we write a lot more than we speak. That's good news because you can edit, but most people are in too big a hurry and don't. Big mistake. Always, and I mean always, read what you wrote before you hit send or post. Critically. Think about who will be reading it and how they may interpret what you wrote. That's what I do, religiously, and it pays off, big-time.

Don't communicate for your own benefit. The expression you often hear is, "He likes to hear himself talk." People talk and write all the time for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with communication. We do it to get attention, to relieve stress, to take out our anger or act out, because we're bored or lonely, it's a long, long list. Here's the thing. Don't do it.

Keep your emotions in check. At least be self-aware or aware of your emotional state. Know what you're feeling and why before you interact with others. That was probably the issue with our commenter example above. The inherent contradiction -- playing both sides of the argument -- is a clue that he sought to engage me. Attention seekers and control freaks do that sort of thing all the time. Also, when we're down or stressed and aren't aware of the cause, we often take it out on others, and that absolutely bleeds into the way we communicate.

Consider the response. The funny thing about communication at a distance -- email, voicemail, comments, especially what I characterize as "one-to-many" communication -- is that there's a mistaken feeling that it's a one-shot deal, sort of a shot across the bow. We rarely consider that recipients may shoot back and there may be unpleasant repercussions. Get into the habit of considering the response before you rant or flame somebody. When you feel a rant coming on, get it out of your system by talking to a friend or your spouse.

Discipline, discipline, discipline. The key to effective communication is to make it a priority, a way of life. That means discipline. Once you say, send or post something dumb, you literally can't take it back. Once you make that mistake once or twice -- as I did, long ago -- that should be enough to make you more cautious. Nevertheless, it always comes down to discipline. It's a connected world. Don't abuse it or burn your connections. That could lead to a very poor and lonely existence, that's for sure.

Image courtesy of Flickr user NEXT Berlin

[anony321]

Hi Steve. Your article smacks of what I call "social fear mongering". As you can see, I choose to leave all my comments in an anonymous personality I have developed for myself. I do this because it is my belief that it is absolutely no ones business but my own what I think, say, or do when I am at home thinking, reading, commenting freely on my own time in my own personal world.

My opinion is not that of the company I work for. We are completely separated entities. On linked in, I have on several occasions commented on, to, and at professional organizations whom I feel are consciously abusive to their own members. To be specific, I am referring to the AIA, the HBA, and AutoDesk; and I am speaking from the position of an Architectural CAD Drafter. WE, are completely underrepresented and generally being treated as technological slaves to these powers that be; our leaders are emboldened to bankers, greedy building owners, and speculative builders.

Who will speak for us, if we do not speak for ourselves? No one. Should I care about my opinion of my ignorant abusive boss or potential boss? In my opinion, absolutely not. I have heard this called 'Speaking Truth to Power'. Generally, my comments are deleted by the local HBA. The AIA will not let you join if you are not a registered architect. Over time, AutoDesk has started to realize they need to work for and with the Users of their software, and are offering Free Training, Tryouts, and even changing the payment structure so one can essentially Rent the software. But still, I advocate for Open Source Alternatives, and some very good ones are arising. Not just for AutoCAD but also for Adobe; Draftsight, Inkscape, and Gimp, as well as Blender are all FREE. This is done because Autodesk still lies in their marketing regarding potential pay, but using statistics to paint a prettier for students, who are taking government loans; just like the Bureau of Labor and Statistics. What you get in the end, is complete distrust and no reason to respect any one but yourself. So let the clods fly.

Workers like me could potentially save our poor abused employers several thousand dollars a year; if they were to only listen to what we have to say. And yet, there is tremendous and real anxiety and resistance to learning new technology again and again. There is a paradox in the statement, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." If more people exited the cowardly slave mentality and spoke truth to power, the world would be a much better place. The wheels would get greased. Change is invented and invention hinges on a perceived need.

I hear what you are saying, but I hope you are not encouraging standard conformity for its own sake. That is an old idea and its time is gone. The concept that we need to re frame is simple, you cannot manage what you do not understand. Expectations about what someone does and what is possible is developing slowly, and still constantly in flux; in all kinds of situations. Old people, and or people who are typically in power, would do very well to get out of the way, stop trying to flex their muscles and power, and let the kids do what they hired them to do. Innovate! All too often in my career, I have had to challenge stupid old work for works sake mentalities eg. Pay the most get the best. Its just not true any more.

But Power corrupts; so look out for those who do not give a damn and cannot shut their mouths when they see waste and call it what it is; because again, you cannot manage what you do not understand. Speak Truth to Power! Rock the boat! Don't work for people with more money than you; unless you enjoy slavery.

Here is one someone should investigate; Rick Perry knows who burnt the Texas Governors Mansion! ~Anonymous.

[simmsb100]

Great article Steve.

I certainly will take note and read my text prior to sending. I know when I've gone back and read emails I'd sent, there were mis-spelt words and the grammar was incorrect. It's very embarrassing when you know it's already been received and read.

I think, not just reading it prior to sending but actually leaving it for 5 minutes or so and then go back to it, as often even with that first check, you can miss something.

Beverley