The secret to success: Be nice

The secret to success / Picture courtesy of Flickr user stevendepolo

COMMENTARY The other night I was watching a Ron White comedy special called "You can't fix stupid." The guy's hilarious. And, in addition to being right, he's also a jerk.

I don't mean that in a bad way; I've always sort of admired that in people. After all, I'm a pretty big jerk myself. But recently, through a strange course of events, I've come to see the error in my ways. I've come to realize that "You can't beat nice."

That's right. The whole "nice guys finish last" thing is dead wrong. Organizations are far more effective when people are nice to each other. Nice wins.

Now, anyone who knows me has got to be cracking up right about now because, like I said, I'm not a very nice person. But lately, I've been advising some friends on their career strategy. One woman, a friend of my wife's, is so smart, open, and downright nice, I don't think she has a clue what a pleasure she is to work with. I'd do anything for her. That's just how nice she is.

Mind you, I've helped loads of friends and associates get jobs, and while I'm sure they're appreciative, some of them just aren't that nice about it. Years ago I hooked up one guy with a company I used to work for that was looking for a CEO. He got the job, the company went public, and he made a bundle. I don't think he ever thanked me.

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Do nice guys really finish last?

But my wife's friend is so not like that. In fact, she's been at one company for so long that she really wasn't up on how competitive the job market has become and how sophisticated and cut-throat job seekers are these days. And it occurred to me that, once she gets to a live human being, she's got a real competitive advantage. As I told her, "Just be yourself, be genuine, be nice, and people will respond in kind. Things will work out fine for you."

How do I know that if I'm such a jerk? Well, when I want something, I can be really, really nice. And it comes across as genuine because I genuinely really, really want that thing and, if I have to be nice to get it, then I'll be as nice as I have to be. And you know what? Nine times out of ten, it works. That's because people are suckers for nice. Here's why:

First of all, it's human nature. I mean, if somebody's staring you right in the face, they really need your help, and they seem really nice, you'd have to be some kind of antisocial creep not to help them. And while email and phones aren't quite as personal, again, once you've made some sort of personal appeal or connection and you're nice and transparent about it, most people will help if they can.

Then, of course, there are those all-important Karma points. A lot of people really believe in that sort of thing, even if it is in more of a superstitious way than anything. So they'll help a nice person just to cover their bases, just in case. That's especially true of someone who's been more or less a jerk their whole lives, has seen the light, and is desperately trying to redeem himself -- again, just in case. That's right; it does explain why a lifelong jerk is helping all these people. Now you're catching on.

Lastly, people have a natural tendency to personalize everything, especially things with emotional content. We just imagine ourselves in the other person's position, the shoe being on the other foot, as it were, and we react the way we'd want them to react to us. Deep down, that's actually an egocentric or selfish tendency, but in this case, it actually comes across as a nice gesture. Whatever works, right?

The moral of the story is both simple and powerful. I don't care if you're an administrative assistant or a CEO, an engineer or a salesperson, in HR or in IT. No man or woman is an island. Organizations are matrices of teams and stakeholders. And they're far more effective at getting things done when people help each other and are nice to each other.

Not only that, but you always have a better chance of getting what you want if you're nice. And you''ll also rack up so many Karma points that you won't have to redeem yourself later. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "How about Steve Jobs and Bill Gates? They weren't nice." That's true. But you're not them. And neither am I. So take it from me. Be nice. It'll pay off.

Picture courtesy of Flickr user stevendepolo

[chrisallencoach]

Hi Steve: Thanks for a great article. I don't know you, but you seem "nice" to me! To the point that someone else made about data, I wonder if Bob Sutton, who wrote "The No ******* Rule" knows of any research data on this question. I would be curious.

I liked your point in the commentary about the potential for being direct, genuine and still "nice". To me, nice means being kind, thoughtful, courteous, appropriately empathic and collaborative. It does not mean being a pushover or agreeing with others to avoid conflict. I REALLY appreciated your article and the thoughts of others who commented. The Power of NICE!!

[stobak2]

It's a constant battle with that evil voice inside my head -- always trying to get me to be selfish, quit early on Fridays, drink another glass of wine, watch Real Housewives ... ;-)

ST

[avatarist]

To JeffP7 - I agree... I am habitually "nice". Maybe by my conditioning, and maybe for its own reward. But as far as "business goals and objectives"; Yeah, being nice is the best way to network... but generosity of time etc can hamper your own production and, as you mentioned, lay the red carpet out for your "competition" (also called your colleagues...)
Karma may be the only good explanation for the self sacrifice we make in the name of being nice. I consistently work for free in my world because I never seem to say "No" --- after all, who am I to turn someone in need down?

[goolsbe]

Thanks! After having been berated for not being "directive enough" or being "just too nice to succeed" ... and, having witnessed the fallacy of those statements over the course of time, it's nice to see somebody actually recognize this really simple truth in writing.

We genuinely nice people do win. It may just take longer than the cut throat approach sometimes.

I do think we're happier and healthier than those poor souls who push, drive and escalate themselves into stress-induced maladies, too. It's just so much easier to be nice!

I will add that I do think you have to be genuine. Being nice as a manipulative means to your selfish end may win the short term gains, but in the long run will backfire.

[stobak2]

Yes, being genuine is key but I say that so much it gets old. Actually, the trick is to be genuine, direct, and still manage to be nice at the same time. That's the trifecta to at least aspire to. People think they're mutually exclusive, but they're not. You can say what has to be said, do what should be done, and still be relatively nice about it and true to yourself, all at the same time. I've known some really confident, yet introspective and humble executives who were naturally that way and they were both successful and great to work with. As for me, well, I'm still working on it ... ;-)

ST

[completelycreative]

Being nice is easier, healthier and more effective than being mean. It is the best way to show up, and by comparison it makes those people who are mean look unattractive and undesirable .

When my computer was giving me fits, I practiced being nice to all of the people in tech support I had conversations with, even when I was near tears and filled with anger and disappointment. As a result of my "nice" campaign, I got the problem resolved, even though my computer was out-of-warranty. I have new friends in tech support at Apple and Adobe. Representatives from both companies called me to follow up to be sure the problem(s) were fixed. That is the power of being nice.

Anger and meanness just fuels bad energy and can escalate emotions and problems. Try the "nice" approach and you will likely have the good results I experienced.

Judy Baker
www.creative1.com

[jsargent100]

While I agree that nice works I would also like an opinion on where people are too cooperative that the organization thinks that you will be happy to be in the position all your working career. I am one of those people that I find it hard not to be nice but sometimes you can be too nice. Where are the limits? Also it depends on who you are nice to. I have experience of a number of people who mistake being nice for being stupid who are obviously not nice people but I notice that they struggle to maintain excessive amounts of power and are extremely insecure about their job. In theory "nice" should pay off because because bad things normally have 10 times the negative effect of 1 nice thing. People are naturally disposed to remember bad things, so for sure being bad NEVER pays off. As far as nice goes, 90% of the time most people don't even register when someone was nice so you have to consider whether being nice in a particular situation is even worth your energy. However, being nice also gives you a bit more security in your position which, during a recession, is a god-send. So, in conclusion, I say "try to find a broad line through the middle" so that others don't think that you are too easy going but you are needed and respected in return.

[Zafar M]

Steve, I think you do have a point - being nice pays. However, I would rather be nice even if it doesnt pay, than be a jerk to be paid. Reason is simple, I believe people should not be a mirror image of others by reacting the way we are provoked. We should have a character/attitude of ourselves and being nice is a choice I made on how to be in life. It doesnt matter if it is in professional or personal life. As far as I believe, a man/woman cannot live a life of multiple personality and be sane at the same time. My current job is the 7th in my life and today I can confidently say that whenever I get an opportunity/need to go back and work with any of my previous 6 employers/colleagues, they will enthusiastically welcome me back. This is because I never did anything with ROI in mind. I wanted to live my each day of my life in a certain way, for which I will be satistifed and at peace when I sleep at night. Anyway, I liked the article and will forward to all my friends, so that at least the people who needs coaching on this subject will somehow get to read and amend their ways.

[johnnyplankton]

There is a huge ROI, it's just not money.

[[e-mail]]

Not sure how to take this article. While Steve makes interesting points, he provides no evidence that nice works. What is provided can be considered only anecdotal. In fact, your evidence shows that niceness is not really relevant and may be counter to succeeding.

The only research I have seen on this subject was conducted by a Fred Luthans. What he showed that the successful executives (those who got promoted the farthest and made the most money) were the ones who spent most of their time networking (sucking up to the seniors) and nice had nothing to do with that. He contrasted those executives with the effective executives (the ones who actually got stuff done in contrast to the successful executives who rarely actually did the work of the corporation--vertical and horizontal communications to ensure integrated execution) and his results showed that nice had nothing do with success. While downright cruel probably is not useful, niceness was not really a consideration in success.

Steve, please go find some peer reviewed research and find out the real role of nice. From my own personal perspective, being nice in business only gets you run over. In a rational world, Steve, you would right. But the world is not rational -- everyone has their own agenda. In the real world, I have found is nice is just part of a package that focuses on getting stuff done and not purposely being mean or rude unless that behaviour is needed for some purpose.

[stobak2]

It's commentary, opinion, a blog based entirely on my experience in the business world. If you're looking or HBR, you took a wrong turn somewhere. ;-)

And, contrary to your experience, mine is this: all things being equal, nice wins.

ST

[Buthaina2]

I agree with you, jlt3. As much as I would like to agree with Steve - after all, I believe in being nice and I'm considered a nice person - I don't think it really works. In modern day corporate culture what really works is a combination of "tough" and "professional". I wonder if anyone did a study to compare these with "nice".
I'm happy for you Steve if nice worked out after all. Personally, I'll stick with being nice in spite of everything.

[leelee91914]

I enjoy being nice. I like helping other people. It makes me feel good when I can assist someone and at the time I'm not thinking about what is in it for me, but down the road that's one more contact I have. I think I've done pretty good career-wise and I'll never know for sure if that's because I am nice, but I suspect it helps a lot. My clients seem to LIKE working with me. I see how some of my competition treat them and I understand why they'd rather put up with my shortcomings than work with deceitful, inconsiderate jerks who are trying to take advantage of them.

With that said, I've learned in recent years not to be TOO nice in business. Some people are just out for themselves and will use and abuse you and think nothing of wasting your time if they can get something for nothing from you. With experience, I can usually spot them right away now and disengage.

I feel compelled to add -- Steve I have always loved reading your columns and usually agree with your opinions. I am surprised to hear that you are a jerk - I actually feel a little sad for you -- but just a little, since you're a jerk, after all! ;-) That's just no way to live!

[stobak2]

Since you said that so nicely, I feel compelled to admit that I occasionally exaggerate to emphasize a point or use poetic license from time to time to make the story more interesting. The truth is that I was a bigger jerk and far more full of myself when I was younger. I'm a lot better now. ;-)

[cqui2004]

I can only count twice when my "niceness" was greeted by negativity over the last 33 years. Other than that the only other negative reaction I received came from people who enjoyed drama and the opportunity to have an argument. There was the purchasing dept where the purchaser and assistant purchaser did nothing but fight between each other. Three people who obviously suffered from depression couldn't stand me! Through the grapevine I found out they thought I was too nice! My review said otherwise.

[TomMariner]

Steve, you said a mouthful. Actually, I feel more than nice, actually wanting the other person to succeed. it is tough to consistently fake empathy and desire to help, but once you're caught at the ruse, the other person will never trust you again.

In business, it is cute to be "tough", to "play politics", but savvy CEO's are on to the game and understand what Steve does that the organizations that thrive, that win are those that know "good guys in here, bad guys out there" and treat throwing a colleague under the bus the same way one would discrimination -- harshly, quickly.

Yeah nice is underrated, but it had better be genuine.