Princeton Student Kills Self Over Rape as Child

Bill Zeller

(CBS) A bright, seemingly ambitious Princeton graduate student, Bill Zeller, was known for being a brilliant computer programmer, talented chef, devoted Red Sox fan, and loyal and caring friend, according to The Daily Princetonian. But little did his friends and colleagues know, Zeller carried a secret for most of his life that haunted him to the point of suicide.

A 4,000 word suicide note detailed Zeller's reason for attempting to take his own life last weekend: a victim of repeated, brutal childhood rape, The 27-year-old could no longer cope with the psychological scars the attacks left imprinted in his mind.

Zeller, who grew up in Middletown, Conn., passed away the night of Jan. 5 at University Medical Center Princeton as a result of injuries from his suicide attempt, which left him brain damaged an in a coma. Public Safety officers discovered his body the morning of Jan. 2, reports The Daily Princetonian.

A talented computer programmer and fifth year graduate student in Princeton's computer science dept., Zeller created interesting programs like Graph Your Inbox, which allows users to graph their Google Mail inbox over time, and MyTunes, which lets users download other people's music.

The chilling note, which Zeller posted on his website, described a horrific series of sexual assaults would end up affecting him for the rest of his life:

"My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation..."

Throughout the note, Zeller the unbearable feeling that followed him from the attacks as "the darkness".

"I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life..."

As "the darkness" consumed Zeller, he attempted to distract himself from his childhood trauma by finding solace in activities that kept him preoccupied:

"I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason."

While the isolation, sadness and dirty feeling that controlled Zeller took his life, Carmen Vasquez, associate director of clinical services at The Rape Crisis Center told CBS News that Zeller's feelings are typical for a sexual assault victim.

"This 27-year-old male that committed suicide was describing what any normal person would experience after being brutally violated as he was," said Vasquez. "So he was not crazy [as Zeller described in his suicide note]. He was responding to an abnormal situation that made him a victim."

For males especially, there is a social stigma against being raped, making it difficult for them to get the help they need to cope.

"We see it quite often at our center that men find it harder to disclose that they were victims of rape or sexual abuse," said Vasquez.

For those who are victims of sexual abuse, there is help.

Vasquez recommends contacting RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, as the first step for somebody confidential to confide in.

Zeller's friends and family have created a page for him on 1000 Memories to commemorate his life.

"I am so grateful for his kindness despite the huge challenges he was facing," wrote Daniell Rowles on the memory page for Zeller.

A memorial will be held for Zeller on Jan. 15 at Princeton University.

[purplewings123]

This is just horrible. His rapist took his life as surely as if he'd shot him. I didn't hear who the rapist was but would like to know if this person was arrested & jailed. Perhaps if he is still living, he should now be charged with causing his murder. God rest this young man's soul. Peace to those who have loved him.

[1970sgirl]

In reading comments that people made about their memories of Bill Zeller through the link in the CBS.com story, it made me wonder if any of those people ever told Bill in person that they valued him or appreciated his friendship.

He was described by many as a loyal and caring person.
Funerals and memorials are for the living.

Perhaps a lesson is to take time periodically to let others know -- while they are alive -- when we appreciate something they've done for us, or that we are simply glad to know them.

How hard is that?

[ophelia_wso]

In the wake of the suicide of Bill Zeller, will colleges deal with the causes of violence? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCPPjh-k6EA

[ophelia_wso]

A video response to the tragedy of his death: Challenging colleges and universities to deal with the cause of violence, not the symptoms. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCPPjh-k6EA

[ericdrexil]

A fathers job is to take care of his child. If a father can think of any reason to not protect his child, he should think again. I didn't read the whole story of who attacked this child. I don't even know if he is still alive. He has blood on his hands and so does anyone who covered up for him. Murder is about equal to this heinous act. There is nothing in the Bible to allow a father to remain idle while those least able to defend themselves are led away to slaughter.

[porcine_aviator]

Why kill yourself over rape? Go find the rat b#$****, drug them, and take them out into the desert and beat their @ss dead with an axe handle and let the coyotes take care of the evidence. Or, if you can't find the original person, just substitute some other child molestor on the sex offender list, no one will miss their worthless @ss. Why on earth kill yourself over someone else's stupidity? Why would you be ashamed if you were molested as a kid? You had no control over the situation, but now you have your own life, so why further victimize yourself? Either get revenge or move on, man.

[hdc77494]

Many people don't realize that childhood sexual abuse, of any kind, for either gender, causes tremendous psychological damage my mother was alsoba victim of repeated childhood rape at the hands of a family member, and it's effects haunted just about every daybof her existence for life. It is especially damaging when the child doesn't get help or therapy until after reaching adulthood. Those of you condemning mom should know that moms routinely ignore the signs of abuse, and repeatedly stay with an abuser even after their child reveals abuse to them. There many many thousands of adults, much like this young man, who suffer debilitating depression, rage, a sense of violation and helplessness decades after theirvabuse ended. What he suffered as an adult is indeed far more common than people realize. The comment about it being worse for a male applies primarily tonvictims of a single rape. The effects of childhood sexual abuse are equally horrific andvlong lasting for both sexes. It is in some ways worse than death because it is so difficultbto overcome the pain and suffering.

[PALFEY]

I don't think there is a human alive that hasn't contemplated suicide. We all have our personal stories. I would be willing to bet there are many people posting here that have horror stories that would boggle the mind. Brilliant people. There's no need to cry here. He got what he wanted.

[porcine_aviator]

No, he got what he was conditioned to think he wanted. His stupid parents never taght him what self-respect means.

If I were his father his molestor would have gotten away with one instance only before they either made it to the police station and confessed or they turned into one hell of a jerky chew toy for the dogs.

[tmittelstaed]

A very sad case. Read his letter. His blood is on his parent's hands, there is no question. It is obvious his father knew the abuser and covered up for the abuser because the abuser was a "saved" church member. And his mother found out about it but never divorced the father and fled with the child, as she should have.

There is no way you can take a kindergardner that has fecal incontinence to a pedatrician and manage to get him by without question without telling the biggest c o c k and bull story that has ever been invented. I wonder what the parents told the pedatrician - that the kid liked to shove broomsticks up his own a s s? Or did they just never take him for a wellness check up ever in his life?

If you believe in heaven, if Bill Zeller is denied entry because he killed himself, then heaven isn't a place you want to go to.

The irony here is that Bill is in heaven right now, and he wasn't "saved". But his parents, who ARE "saved" could not possibly ever be permitted entry.

[porcine_aviator]

If it wasn't illegal to do so, I'd choke the lives out of his parents now that I know what morons and cowards they are. His father especially sounds like a total f...wit and pantywaisted f-****. Wish I could just put him into a coma with few rounds with a phonebook. Damned coward.

Fundamentalist religion is for people that are too stupid to understand God (or anything else for that matter) with their own wits.

[AnnieDanny]

I'm amazed at the comments on this page. Of course there's help available! I do think this young man made a mistake by bottling up his anxiety; he also bottled up the demons that plagued him. But while there's life there's still some hope of a better future and that's the truth! -- I don't see how its possible to get free of such torture without finding someone somewhere to help you through it. And I do believe that if you keep looking for the help you need, it WILL eventually find you.

[eviecordelia]

Have you ever dealt with a psychologist? Thats the first suggestion most people make to victims of abuse - go see a psychologst they will help you through it!!?? - talking does not empower you - action does! and unfortunately the law generally protects those with money and the best lawyer and often leads to the victims further humiliation and feelings of beingvictimized by the legal system. The one hope is to focus your energy on SAVING OTHERS rather than looking for someone to come to your aid - it takes your focus off yourself and generally brings more constructive emotional results than the bitterness of disappointment that you generally end up with when you look for support but don't find it from disinterested third parties. And the perpetrator?? castrate them - just cover your back if u can, but get a brick and crush his balls if u have to!! if he has the nerve to take you to court for it u at least won't feel the victim in the court room and you can change your self defined stance to that of an empowered avenger and protector of other children! Don't let anyone tell you such action is not wholly justifiable - protecting our children should be a fundamental and natural action of all species.