Eye on Parenting Blog
July 23, 2010 6:08 AM

Thumbs-Down on Unsolicited Parenting Advice

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Toddlers

Susan Koeppen

(Credit: CBS)
By SUSAN KOEPPEN

NEW YORK (CBS) When you have a new baby, you expect comments...like "oh, he's so cute" and "he looks just like you" and "you are so blessed." But then, the other comments start to roll in. Yup. The unsolicited parenting advice that can chop you off at the knee caps. We all know we aren't perfect, but do we really need family, friends and perfect strangers weighing in on our parenting skills?

Like the time a stranger in the elevator told me to cut my baby's nails because he was going to scratch his face off. Really? His whole face off? She was right, the nails needed to be trimmed -- but was it her place to tell me? Maybe I was on my way to buy nail clippers at that very moment! (I wasn't, but that's not the point.)

Only once in my five years of being a parent has anyone ever given me great unsolicited advice. It was a guy on an airplane. He told me if your baby cries on the plane, blow on his face, it will help him swallow and clear his ears. I tried it. It worked. Thanks, guy in seat 12B.

But most of the advice I get is, frankly, just stuff I can do without. Like the time my third child fell from a high chair and smashed his head on the floor. (Disclaimer: If you are questioning my parenting skills...my husband was feeding the baby at the time). Rightly so, I was very upset and rushed to my child's side. I grabbed him, held him and rushed to get some ice. That's when I heard it: the unsolicited parenting advice from a family member. I don't remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of "He's fine, don't worry, kids hit their heads all the time, just put him down, don't be so dramatic." Hmmm...last time I checked, he was my baby. And as a mother, I certainly have the right to react anyway I want.

But there you go -- everyone has an opinion and feels like they need to share it. I'm not quite sure why other parents feel the need to step in and say something. It's weird -- like a bug to a light. They just can't help it. But here's my take: the next time you want to share your unsolicited parenting advice: DON'T!

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by dotkhan July 23, 2010 8:56 PM EDT
A great deal of parenting advice, even by many in authority, is downright paranoia about every little danger that enters one's imagination. Many are of things falling into the realm of stuff that never happen such as poisoned Halloween candy or are rarer than lightning strikes. Other fears arise from acting as if the worst is about to happen to you or your child no matter how unlikely that scenario might be.
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by FriendNNeighbor July 23, 2010 10:44 AM EDT
I fail to see the reason for writing a harangue against people who are clearly trying to be helpful and show an interest. Sometimes people offer advice as a polite way of saying, "hey your kid's really irritating everyone in the immediate area," at a time when you may be too self absorbed or distracted to realize. Sometimes it's a way to reassure a nervous mom that everything will be OK. In age when parents have been video'd giving their toddlers pot and alcohol, it's pretty clear to most of us that good parenting skills are not intuitive. It's remarkable that we live in a society in which people can pass and share knowledge and information.

Not everyone is good at articulating their feelings, but just as you expect everyone to honor your feelings regarding your parenting skills, you too could look beyond their shortcomings and assume that they are doing their best and most likely only trying to be helpful. Its a way of reaching out.

It's unfortunate that a lack of graciousness seems to permeate every level of society. Being a parent doesn't instill any special powers or position except perhaps proof that reproductive organs are functioning or wealth enough to achieve other means. People offer unsolicited advice to everyone-- college students, business owners, servers, secretaries, athletes and politicians. It's part of living in a community.

Shutting down the conversation because of insecurities is never a good thing. With any advice perhaps one idea out of a hundred is helpful as you yourself acknowledge.

It seems to me the problem is a lack of finesse by well meaning people and a lack of graciousness by the recipients.
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by ndelconte July 23, 2010 10:01 AM EDT
Ditto for pregnancy. I could go without the following:
"You're not going to have any drugs during delivery, right?"
"You haven't had any chocolate because it has caffeine, right?"
"You're catching up on all of your sleep now, right?"
"You're not going to use formula, right?"
"You're not going to sleep train by letting them cry it out, right?"

If you're not my doctor, kindly stick to the less opinion-oriented comments such as "When are you due?" or "Do you know what you're having?"
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