Jaycee Dugard's Personal Journal Revealed: "I Don't Want to Hurt Him...I Want to Be Free"

By: Neil Katz
Topics: Daily Blotter

(Family Photo)

(AP Photo/El Dorado County Sheriffs)

(Nick Stern)

(Family Photo)

NEW YORK (CBS/AP) Jaycee Dugard desperately wanted to be "free" but also hoped no harm would come to the couple accused of holding her captive for 18 years, according to her personal journal entries released today in court documents.

Photo: Jaycee Dugard.

Photos: Inside Jaycee's Terror Tent
Photos: Inside Phillip Garrido's House
Photos: The Search For Jaycee
Photos: Jaycee Lee Dugard Found Alive

"I don't want to hurt him," prosecutors say she wrote in 2003. "Sometimes I think my very presence hurts him…so how can I ever tell him how I want to be free. Free to come and go as I please… Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain it it's in my power to prevent it. FREE."

Photo: Phillip and Nancy Garrido, Dugard's alleged abductors.

Photos: Inside Jaycee's Terror Tent
Photos: Inside Phillip Garrido's House
Photos: The Search For Jaycee
Photos: Jaycee Lee Dugard Found Alive

Phillip and Nancy Garrido are currently awaiting trial for kidnapping Jaycee Dugard from a California street in 1991. She was 11 at the time. Prosecutors allege they kept her captive in their Antioch, Calif., backyard for nearly two decades, during which time Phillip Garrido repeatedly raped her and fathered two children with her. She had her first when she was only 14.

Photo: The backyard tent where Dugard was allegedly held for years.

Photos: Inside Jaycee's Terror Tent

Thursday, California prosecutors released the partial journal entries, attributed to "Jane Doe," as part of an effort to bar the Garridos from making contact with Dugard.

Photo: Jaycee Dugard.

Photos: Inside Jaycee's Terror Tent
Photos: Inside Phillip Garrido's House
Photos: The Search For Jaycee
Photos: Jaycee Lee Dugard Found Alive

They allege the Garridos continue to try to manipulate the woman they have brainwashed and tortured since she was a child.

Dugard has "emphatically stated to our office that she does not want any contact with the defendants or their attorneys," El Dorado County District Attorney Vern Pierson said in the documents. "The people ask this court to protect Ms. Doe and to, once and for all, put an end to the defendant's manipulation."

In order to show the hold the Garridos had on Dugard, they offered this heartbreaking 2004 journal entry.

"It feels like I'm sinking. I'm afraid I want control of my life," Dugard wrote. "This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like…but once again he has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes (sic) me a prisoner…Why don't I have control of my life! I feel I can't even be sure my thoughts are my own…"

The document also says that the Garridos made extensive plans to have Dugard help them if they were ever arrested including hiring her own lawyer so that her attorney and his could communicate without law enforcement listening.

Prosecutors also allege that Phillip Garrido's attorneys have made repeated attempts to discover Dugard's current location and make contact with her.

Dugard and her two children are currently living with Dugard's mother, Terry Probyn, in a secret location.

MEDIA
Photos: Jaycee Dugard "Happy To Be Back"
Photos: Inside Jaycee's Terror Tent
Photos: Inside Phillip Garrido's House
Photos: The Search For Jaycee
Photos: Jaycee Lee Dugard Found Alive

THE JAYCEE LEE DUGARD STORY
GET FULL COVERAGE HERE

MORE ON CRIMESIDER
November 13, 2009 - Phillip Garrido Letter: Apologizes "To Every Human Being" for Alleged Jaycee Dugard Kidnapping
October 30, 2009 - Phillip Garrido Faces His 1976 Rape Victim at Jaycee Lee Dugard Hearing
October 14, 2009 - Jaycee Dugard to People Magazine: "I'm So Happy to be Back With My Family"
October 14, 2009 - Jaycee Dugard Stunning First Photos in People Magazine
October 12, 2009 - Jaycee Update: Bones in Phillip Garrido's Backyard Likely Native American, Says Anthropologist
October 12, 2009 - Jaycee Update: Bones in Phillip Garrido's Backyard Likely Native American, Says Anthropologist
September 28, 2009 - Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper: "I Am So Sorry... Can You Forgive Me?"
September 21, 2009 - Report: Jaycee Dugard Says Daughters Were Not Molested
September 18, 2009 - Shocking Photos: First Look Inside Phillip Garrido's Disgusting Home

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by Thinking_OUT_LOUD March 20, 2010 8:38 AM EDT: If this is true and Phillip Garrido's attorneys are attempting to discover Dugard's current location and make contact with her then they are as despicable as the Garrido's themselves. Protecting Jaycee and her family both physically and mentally should be our justice system's number one priority. Isn't eighteen years of captivity enough outrageous abuse? Keep these monsters locked up, throw away the key and stick their defense lawyers in the cell with them.; Reply to this comment


by sharoncalla February 14, 2010 9:17 PM EST: This comment is for Jaycee, go on with your life, and never look back to the past. These two people the "Garridos" are messed up folks and now the law has to deal with them. Remember to cut ties in your mind of these folks. Make a good life for you and the girls, and never, ever look back, only forward. Take classes and learn many hobbies, meet good clean friends. Re-make your life and by doing this you will become "free". Whatever happens to these folks should NOT be a concern to you, they asked for it, and now they should PAY, they knew better, they were of age and you were not. So that's why I say cut your mind free and let your lawyer do all the work, then whatever happens do not care about these two very messed up folks. Your new concerns are you, the girls and your Mom, and sister, and step-father there draw the line as people who love you and want what's best for you. Best of luck to you Jaycee.; Reply to this comment


by tmittelstaed February 12, 2010 12:47 AM EST: Once Jaycee signed a lawyer there is absolutely no legal reason that the Garrido's or their attorneys need to contact Jaycee, until she is on the witness stand in a court. Jaycee's lawyer is the only valid contact point for the Garridos. If the Garrido's lawyers are in fact attempting to contact Jaycee directly after being told not to, they should be hauled up in front of the bar for disciplinary action. My guess is that in fact the Garrido's lawyers are NOT attempting to contact Jaycee, and instead it is some scumbag friend of the Garridos that is doing it.; Reply to this comment


by Stevie98119 February 11, 2010 9:28 PM EST: I pity the judge that allows contact with her. The public sentiment against a judge who would do such a thing would be overwhelming. Where in the Bill of Rights does it say that victims of crimes have no rights? I'd like someone to show me that. The system has slanted too far to the "rights" of the criminals leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Then throw money into the mix (violent prisoners being released because the state/feds don't want to pay for their incarceration any longer - one of them slaughtered 4 police officers on a Sunday morning in WA recently) and we have something close to anarchy! Weird world we're living in.; Reply to this comment