On The Red Carpet At The "Oscars Of Porn"
FILE--In this April 30, 2012 file photo, Syrian security forces, background, hold their machine guns and surround anti-Syrian regime mourners, foreground, during the funeral procession of the activist Nour al-Zahraa, 23, who was shot by the Syrian security forces on Sunday, in Kfar Suseh area, in Damascus, Syria. The swaggering gunmen operate as hired muscle for the Syrian regime, clutching rifles and daggers as they sweep through towns and villages, seeking vengeance on enemies of Bashar Assad. Recruited from the ruling elite's Alawite sect, the militiamen known as "shabiha" carry out some of the most ghastly attacks of Syria's violent conflict, allowing the regime to deny any direct responsibility. Witnesses have blamed shabiha for the Houla massacre over the weekend. (AP Photo, File) (STR)
With the Golden Globes ceremony cancelled by the writers' strike, and the Oscars threatened, film fans were starved for red carpet glitz!
Don't worry, we're here to help.
We visited the red carpet of one of the most overlooked extravaganzas in show business … the Oscars of porn
Yes, the stars are out tonight. They're almost completely out.
In my best Joan Rivers guise, I asked one young woman about the black dress she was wearing, or more accurately perhaps, not wearing.
Frankly, she was attired but she admitted she was not wearing any underwear.
I was. Well, one out of two ain't bad.
And of course you have to ask those on the red carpet if they're nervous.
A woman named Audrey said, "Yes, you know it's the funniest thing, I can [bleep], [bleep] and [bleep-bleep], yet to say 'thank you' for an award would be nerve-wracking."
You should also ask them about their work, their art, their films. The plot, perhaps?
"Actually, there is one ironically," another woman named Sammy said. "There's a Tupperware party. And we were supposed to be a bunch or ritzy housewives showing each other how to use our Tupperware and then [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]."
Yes, the 25th Annual AVN Adult Movie Awards ceremony went ahead last weekend in Las Vegas - unaffected by the writers' strike, perhaps because porn films have so little dialogue.
Stormy Daniels was up for 25 awards, including best screenplay and best director. "A lot of people don't believe there are screenplays in porn," she told Geist. "'Operation: Desert Stormy' has an 82-page screenplay, so there's a lot of dialogue, yes."
"When do you talk?" Geist asked.
The red carpet was awash with with porn celebrities, like Tera Patrick and Hall of Famers Dyana Lauren and Steven St. Croix.
But the biggest star in this parallel universe is Jenna Jameson, accompanied by ultimate fighter Tito Ortiz.
She's a crossover star, as they say, having appeared on hundreds of magazine covers, written a book that was a NY Times bestseller, "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star" (HarperCollins), and even been enshrined in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. It doesn't get any more mainstream than that.
"I need to be cloned on some level," Jameson told Geist.
"I agree, I think every man in America should have one," he said. "No offense."
Among her other accomplishments: debating at Oxford. "Yes, I debated about the right to view pornography. And I won, 286 to 1. I'm a very convincing girl."
The awards are preceded by the Adult Entertainment Expo, a big porno trade show with about 350 exhibitors.
And they do exhibit … everything. Of course we really can't show you much of anything.
We had to kind of tiptoe around the fringes of an expo we found both bizarre and perplexing, frankly.
One young man there was passing out Bibles, under a sign which read "Jesus Loves Porn Stars."
"Does Jesus love porn stars?" we asked.
"For sure, he loves porn stars as much as pastors," the man said.
There were also the peddlers of fake flesh: high-end love dolls, as they're called.
"We have ten different bodies," the salesman said. "We have sixteen different faces, people come to our Web site, they pick the face they like, they pick the body they like, then they put them together - building their ultimate woman."
They're well beyond the blow-up doll. One of the seller's dolls became a crossover star itself last year, playing a major role in the recent Hollywood film "Lars and the Real Girl."
Then there was Ron Jeremy, a porn legend. "I started in '78, [when] porno was more taboo."
While not matinee-idol handsome, Ron has hidden qualities. Fortunately he was here unveiling something else … a new PETA campaign, promoting the spaying and neutering of pets.
Fans are welcome at the trade show; porn is fan-friendly. Very.
"It's cool, yeah," Tera Patrick said. "I call this Fan Appreciation Week."
Fans are even welcome to attend the awards ceremony, where winners are recognized in 114 categories. Can we list some of the categories? No! Can we even say the names of the films? No! Except to say they use language normally heard only at bachelors' parties and doctors' offices.
There were acceptance speeches … and there were tears.
And on this historic evening, Jenna Jameson shocked the world by announcing she'd no longer appear in porno films.
"I'm launching my fragrance, which is called 'Heartbreaker," she told Geist. "I'm about to launch my reality show, about to launch my clothing line 'Hello Jenna.' I feel like I'm paving new ground for a lot of women in the industry."
Women like 20-year-old Terra Wray, who when asked said she didn't want to be a Hollywood starlet. "No, I wanted to be a porn star." Which she now is. "I know, dreams really do come true."
… Which will have to pass for a touching ending at the "Oscars of porn."
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