Rethinking "Friends," Post-Facebook

(CBS)

As more people discover that I've switched off the social networks I'm getting quite a spectrum of response. I've certainly noticed a couple of colleagues look at me like I've gone off the deep end but many folks have dropped by my office to confess that they, too, have wondered about taking the plunge.

I'm still here, I assure them, and still very present online. It's not like I threw out my cell phone and stopped checking e-mail. (Although someone did suggest that as a possibility - to truly go off the grid one day. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.) But they have this look in their eyes like maybe, just maybe, they could stop or minimize the social networks, too. I'm not sure how many have tried it yet but I want to be clear that I'm not trying to convince people that social networks are all bad. Or that they have the same effect on everybody. But I do think their rapid rise in popularity has perhaps reached a tipping point when many folks are wondering about the true benefits and where they fit in.

One of the interesting sidebars to this experiment happened on Jan. 5 - my birthday. In 2008 and 2009 my wall was decorated with all sorts of well wishes and greetings and "gifts." It was a bit overwhelming actually but of course it was nice that people felt compelled to post something. And yet this year I only heard from the people in my life who know me well enough and know how to reach me. No Facebook reminder. Of course there's nothing wrong with reminders (it's not like social networks are the only place you can set them and I couldn't survive without my calendar), but when it comes to celebrations it seems as though online shout-outs have replaced things once thought rather impersonal like an e-card or a text message.

Now when I get those latter types of greetings it feels like someone really took the time to consider me as a friend or family member. With birthday well wishes on social networks it's like we felt obligated to do something and that dashing off a quick "Happy Birthday, man!" wall post or Tweet was somehow enough. Is it? Which would you prefer?

I also got to thinking about what defines the notion of a "friend." In addition to the great people I've met in recent years I've also been lucky to have the same close friends since high school back in Canada. We were dorky kids back then and now we're dorky adults who have (or are trying to have) kids (who are not dorky). These are some smart, caring, and wonderful people who I treasure. I would trust them with my life. But we're now scattered to the four corners of the Earth and it isn't easy to see each other in person.

Most of them are on Facebook but I wouldn't consider them overly active users. And yet a couple of years ago I realized that I'd drifted away from the more meaningful means of communicating (e.g. phone calls, Skype, e-mail, etc.) and relied too heavily on just reading status updates or checking out photos. Sure, it's one way to stay in touch but it's awfully shallow. Increasingly, I felt out of the loop. But I kept "broadcasting" what I was doing and thinking, oh well, this is how the world interacts today, with a curious but passive level of interest.

Since I stopped social networks I've made more of an effort to reach out in direct, one-on-one ways. Yes, we're all still busy and, yes, social networks like Facebook can offer a glimpse of what people are doing and a way to stay connected but didn't we have some of that before 2006? Certainly I place the blame squarely on me. I was the one who got too caught up in what social networks can offer and I'm fortunate that my friends stuck with me. Not that any of them ever approached me about it or accused me of being a poor friend. But I could sense it.

Certainly we all have "friends" who are perhaps better defined as acquaintances or people we like to see at functions or in a business setting. We like these people but they're not who we turn to in times of crisis. Perhaps social networks are best suited for those types of relationships, and I suppose you could organize your friends into different categories or have an alias page. But that seems like a lot of work. The problem for me is that I lumped my full-time friends in with my casual friends and "fans" and treated them all the same way. By gathering them together (all 1,664 of them) at a site like Facebook I flattened the definition of friendship and diluted their significance. But no more. (I also think that in three years I've probably managed to "find" all the people who I wanted to reunite with and maybe I need to let some of them go.) I won't say this whole project has been easy but so far it's been rewarding.

I do feel like a better friend. A real one.

More on this experiment soon - including the way we view our online selves versus our real-life selves. Until next time, stay connected.

[jogfly]

Oh Boy. The Facebook saga surely isn't fading anytime soon. 400 million active members is nothing short of a global movement but I tell this. To be called a social network is like calling the boy scouts a church group. Sure they have similar interests but they aren't the same thing by any means. Facebook helped me and has "YET" to harm me but you know what they say "everything in moderation" It helped by connecting me with like minded individuals not just high school friends. I actually got to network on a social networking site, imagine that. But I can clearly see they down side to such a network. I found this site called http://FacebookHacks.org It helped to find great ways to actually maximize my Facebook experience and minimize my time on it. It shows mainly tools to for networking. For all the economic victims out there who have sought out connections, Facebook has helped. I've even had a friend get remarried due to the reconnection. But on the other hand. It's bad for when people spend 2 4 even 8 hours on Facebook. I heard recently over a billion dollars has been lost due to unproductive employees using Facebook while at work ( reportedly ) Man Oh Man! What Is This World Coming To?

[RealistWithIdeals]

Interesting article. I have only somewhat recently been on FaceBook and my profile discourages a lot of chit chat but indicates that you can use it to contact me and if I know you, I will respond. It's almost become the Internet white pages - if you aren't there you are "unlisted". It's like the AOL account I have kept for over 15 years. I had plenty of reason to drop them over the years, but every now and then I would get something from someone I had not heard from in years and did not have contact information for. But as far as "Friends", it does put you in a quandary. You get people who know of you through a mutual friend asking to be on your list. Why?

[edgy44]

There's this woman I went to high school with (old lady now, tubby girl then) and she must have posted at least five times that she was lonely on such and such holiday. So after Thanksgiving I sent her a personal mail that said we should meet in Aruba and get naked. She went off like a bomb, calling me all sorts of names online. Anyway, I guess she's lonely and she likes it. She dropped me as a friend.

[edgy44]

Having spent a year on facebook, I just don't get it. People I went to high school with want to be my friends. Uh, I haven't even been in the same state in 45 years, and these people talk like they're in a secret society or something. I'd say it is way worse than email, and email is mostly a waste of time. My new years resolution is to ditch my facebook friends, all 10 of them (I know, I should have 398 like everyone else, but my friend filter is very active).

[shan24k]

Regarding the way we view our online selves versus our real-life selves, I heard something interesting yesterday about the relationship status on Facebook. Apparently the changing of the relationship status among the teen users is very important...I heard someone say she is back together with her boyfriend (in real life) but she's not back together with him "on Facebook" yet. She was waiting for him to do something specific first to get back in with her good graces. So she was back together with him but didn't want to announce it to her FB friends yet. It seems the changing of the relationship status is taken very seriously among the 16-22 age group (and probably more), with a perceived immediate impact on their lives.

[nycsense]

I have a Facebook account and I thought it was a great way to find out about people I once knew and always wondered "what ever happened to them?". The ones I found were great and it was good to catch up, but after that I lost interest in them. I had soon realized why we drifted apart, and it was because I outgrew my relationship with those people. Our lives took a different turn and after many years the only thing we had in common was that fleeting moment we once briefly knew eachother. I was glad they were doing well, or at least alive, but then I wasn't interested in knowing anymore than that.

Then there is the flipside of the Facebook coin. People who wanted to reconnect with me that I had no interest in reconnecting with. There were people I knew from high school that I didn't even hang out with and just sat in the same homeroom class together. There was a ****** little sister of an ex-girlfriend that I hardly even spoke to who wanted to add me as a friend. Why? Then there were people who I grew up in the same neighborhood with, that I absolutely couldn't stand the sight of, were requesting to be a friend. Again, why?

Its getting to the point that I don't check my account as frequently as I use to, and at times I considered pulling the plug on the whole thing too. Still considering it. Do I need facebook? Not really. I'll just keep it for now.

[MPHgrad]

It's about time someone else said it. I just posted the same sentiment on my blog. I've had a facebook account for just under a year now and have only posted to it six times. I find it extremely impersonal and invasive. I've kept up with the people whom are dear to me. The others are just acquaintances. Facebook & twitter give people excuses to be uncouth and uninvolved in real life.

[antoniof123]

I have a facebook account because it is the easiest way to get pictures of my grand-daughter. Also, most of the people I stay in touch with I call or write.

So yes, it has a place but not the only place.

[calgal4]

Interesting blog! Makes me consider how the computer has impacted my relationships. Not just Facebook, but all over the spectrum. I find it all rather fascinating.