"Dancing with the Stars" winner: Hines Ward wins the Super Bowl of dancing

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson pose with their trophies after they were named "Dancing with the Stars" champions on May 24, 2011.

/ AP/ABC

(CBS) Does it really take two hours to crown the champion of amateur - sometimes very amateur - dancing? It does if you want to sell a lot of commercial airtime on America's most popular television show.

In any case, surely you wanted to see one more performance from all those "Dancing with the Stars" contestants whose names you forgot once your hard-hearted votes eliminated them from the show.

Oh, of course Hines Ward won. Any NFL player who can smile and move with even vague competence (there aren't many) will win the mirrorball trophy.

Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
Timeline: Past "DWTS" competitors and champions

NFL players are the ultimate older lady's fantasy. Well, polite, smiley NFL players like Emmitt Smith and now Ward. Chelsea Kane, the actual best dancer in the competition, reminds the voters of everything they used to be - or wished they had once been. Surely, therefore, she couldn't curry enough favors from the envious.

Optimists will have wondered whether maybe, perhaps, the one more dance that was offered last night would somehow thrust Kane beyond the whims of the voters.

This would only be subject to the judges' voting. These judges could make all the difference.

Soon, these judges showed that they possessed the courage of limping llamas in Lima. Well, when I say "soon," I mean it took what seemed like hours before the contestants were actually allowed to take the floor for their final dances.

First, those who weren't watching on DVR were forced to endure performances from all the contestants whom the viewers had rejected. This was a beautiful joy that might only have been matched by blowing one's nose for a full hour and a half when one doesn't even have a cold.

It was more than one hour and 20 minutes into the show that the actual competition started.

Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas decided to perfect their Viennese Waltz - which they know as "The Wizard Waltz." They wept in rehearsal. This was emotional. They might never dance together again. Unless Disney offers Ballas a co-starring role in an upcoming new, elevated version of "Beauty and the Beast."

When it came to the real thing, Kane and Ballas again offered something as fantastical and inventive as the one decent "Harry Potter" movie. Of course, it was all too inventive for the voters at home. But here was a chance for the judges to declare that this was dancing of an entirely superior character.

"Bottom line, you are a fantastic dancer," said Goodman. He then muttered dark prognostications about "whatever happens tonight," as if he knew that not enough viewers would have offered her votes to some obscure Disney Channel starlet.

The judges all offered 10s. Surely this would be the standard by which others would be judged. Surely you believe that the moon is made of Paski Sir, the award-winning Croatian cheese.

Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy also had an emotional rehearsal of their favorite dance - the cha-cha. Alley has gained confidence and lost weight during these 13 weeks. And she gave this last performance every element of joy that she could muster. She doesn't stretch her legs as far as some, but her feet are often precise and her eyebrows are never short of being overly expressive.

"You saved the best for last," said Tonioli, before spitting out some multi-syllabic adjectives.

Carrie Ann Inaba offered nouns like "authenticity" and "transformation."

There was, however, nothing authentic and transformative about the fact that the judges all gave her 10s. This was a suitably crass abdication of responsibility, one that would inevitably mean that Kane and Ballas would be gone.

Ward and his partner Kym Johnson performed the samba, the dance that supposedly shows off Ward's hip movements. It also shows off his remarkably stiff torso.

Ward does, though, offer an innocent exuberance - as well as a lovely kiss for his mom - so who couldn't be charmed? Even Emmitt Smith was forced to smile - although Sarah Palin, also in the audience, seemed less than convinced. Perhaps she felt Bristol had been better than all of this.

"What is so appealing about you is the packaging," said Goodman, with arrant wisdom.

"When you're out here, we all fall in love," said Tonioli.

Guess what? The judges all gave Ward 10s. Which made these dances spectacularly irrelevant fillers of airtime.

With just a few minutes left, Kane and Ballas were inevitably told that they were in third place. Host Tom Bergeron had to hustle the show along, absolving Kane of the need to offer a few empty, heartfelt words.

We were down to two. Surely Alley didn't think she would win. Oh, but it looked like Chmerkovskiy did. When the winners were announced, the cameras were swiftly focused just on Ward and Johnson. Ward thanked all of the voters from his University of Georgia and Pittsburgh Steelers - or at least those who knit sweaters with Bulldogs and Steelers logos.

It was warming to see Johnson, the most lovable of professionals, partake of this glory. So, as we drifted away from this, America's most popular show, we could already feel the excitement to come when "Dancing with the Stars" returns in September. Yes, so soon. Or at least the "Dancing with the Stars" version of "soon."

But perhaps the greatest giggle was left upon hearing Chmerkovskiy. declare that Alley was his 10th trophy. What could he have possibly meant? And who might enjoy being his eleventh?

11 Photos

"Dancing with the Stars" Season 12

[MLSBBA]

To the writer: Meow! How negative can you be?? CBS: I can't believe you allow this caliber of writing on your site.

[chrismatypoo]

what a lame article, does this fool get paid to write these blogs?
PS Chelsea shoulda been out a while ago, she only stayed on cos of Disney

[Socialization]

The fix was in for Hines from the beginning. They fell all over themselves for his inferior dancing. They were very tough on Chelsea all season.

It is supposed to be who is the best dancer, right? Wrong it has become the politically correct version of equal opportunity dancing.

The show proved itself to be irrelevant and I believe their ratings will suffer as a result.

I mean they all get 10's on the last dance. What a joke....

[Pouncekat]

Interesting view point, ... I started watching it two years ago because my auntie loves the show and has watched it from the begininng season with my uncle. When we lost him two years ago, I told her even though we couldn't watch it together in the same place, we could watch it together and speak of it on the phone afterward.

One would think more should be expected of Chelsea as being so much younger and some moves being so much easier for her than the others. I truly thought all of them danced well, and as much as I wanted Kirstie to win, it doesn't upset me Hines did because he danced so beautifully, in my opinion. I thought it would have been a joke if Chelsea won because she didn't have to work nearly so hard as the other two did to perfect her technical skills. The improvement from the beginning to the end is what I think of as being the winning componet.

[chrismatypoo]

LOL Chelsea was lucky Disney owns ABC

[Pouncekat]

Really, the snot nosed brat with the arrogant know more than the judges loud mouth professional actually won the competition really? Sorry Mark and Chelsey, just responding in kind to the smeer piece I just read. Chris, take two laxitives and rewrite in the morning!

Obviously you lack the understanding to comprehend the immense risk Kirstie took amd the work she had to put into it to compete, or how much time and effort Hines put into learning how to do the dance moves and the smooth style he achieved.

So you are entitled to your opinion. But it is no big deal for a 22 year old kid to do moves. She did work hard, and when Mark choose to put the "edgy new moves" into the choreography, he took a chance. To be fair, I was amazed the light thingy dance they did got all tens, it was all light show and no substance. They took no risks except for pushing the limits on what was acceptable. However I have to say in all fairness, I loved their "Wizard Waltse".

I wish Kirstie had won. She deserved to win for all the work she had done, for the fears she conquered, for how well she danced. But I am not sucking sour grapes like you obviously are. I identify with her as an overwiegth fifty-five year old.

Hines and Kym did wonderfully as well and were a joy to watch, as were the other two sets of dancers. All three were good with their partners, they all were entertaining, they all deserved to win. Sadly, everyone can't come in first place.

Now the real problem here, as I see it, is problematic in today's society. Life isn't always fair in our expectations, everyone can't be first, and so we all sometimes lose. The key is being gracious losers, bouncing back to compete in other areas once again, and not throwing mud, calling names, and acting like a spoiled two year old with a wet diaper throwing a temper tantrum! Sorry Chris, your technique is not a winning one ~ this round, you get a three! Work on being more gracious, perhaps you can do better next time around.

[Cherryblossom3]

Wow. So much negativity. I think you need a vacation.

I agree with Sportsmaven. Chelsea and Mark's freestyle was not good and lost the viewing audience. Chelsea can dance to be sure but Mark's choreography was pretty bad this season. I cringed at several of their performances.

I thoroughly enjoyed Hines and Kym's dances and believe they deserved to win.

[Cherryblossom3]

Wow. So much negativity. I think you need a vacation.

I agree with Sportsmaven. Chelsea and Mark's freestyle was not good and lost the viewing audience. Chelsea can dance to be sure but Mark's choreography was pretty bad this season. I cringed at several of their performances.

I thoroughly enjoyed Hines and Kym's dances and believe they deserved to win.

[tsigili]

Have to say, there was likely only a few points separating the 3 finalists, as all performed well in the finale.

There were no losers, last night......they were all winners.

[avigil2]

Agreed!

[chadiwack]

DWTS is about who is the BEST dancer. Clearly Chelsey was the BEST dancer of the season. Audience voting is a joke. Hines was good and entertaining but there is no way he should have won overall. Come on, lets get real. Does anyone else agree with me?? On a another note, what the hell was Carrie Ann Inaba's problem with Chelsea the entire season... EVERY week bar maybe two dances she always slammed Chelsea and Marks dance. It was almost bordering on the ridiculous AND it was SO obvious that Carrie Ann had a super hard on for Hines from the beginning. EVERY comment she made about Hines, was awesome this and awesome that, from day 1 of the comp she NEVER said a negative word about any of his dances. It's BULL!!!! Why, she had the hots for him?? was it because they were both half Korean??? Is she obsessed with the NFL?? gimme a break. I'm curious who else thinks this.

[credibility2]

Hines was awkward; his steps were always tentative and didn't flow. He only won because he was a jock.

[Pouncekat]

Did the mudslinging make you feel better? Sour grapes because your favorite didn't win? Grow up buttercup! It isn't always about the younger, glitzy version automatically always being best. Furthermore, childish accusations against any of the judges doesn't give your argument weight. When you grow into a bit more maturity you will understand there is more to winning than being young and fresh. Perhaps you never heard the tale of the rabbit and the turtle and their race. Personally, I thought Kirstie was outstanding given all she had to overcome to do well. I wish she would have won. However, that said, all three were deserving a win. You should learn the art of losing gracfully, ... this wasn't the first time things didn't go your way, I imagine, and it likely won't be the last.

[dw1206]

Chris, I can't believe what an age discriminator you are! You will be older one day, so you should choose your words carefully!

[findlay95]

Hey Brooke. Her name is KIRSTIE, not KRISTIE! You have made that mistake week after week. How unprofessional. I'm surprised she didn't correct you on live tv.