9/11 first responders haunted by ground zero but say they're not heroes

(CBS News) NEW YORK - The calendar says it's been a decade since that last steel beam was removed from ground zero. But Mike Mazziotti will leave it to others to mark the date.

When asked what he saw on 9/11 that left him with post traumatic stress, Mazziotti simply says: "What didn't I see?"

Mazziotti was a cop with a chest full of medals and a first responder on 9/11. Looking out from the 20th floor of the north tower, he saw a desperate man leap to his death.

"I saw a guy, he was a man obviously, but I remember he was wearing a tweed jacket and was flapping his arms like a duck," Mazziotti said. "He was just flying through the air."

He was never the same. Within a year, Mazziotti -- once the life of the party -- was retired on disability and reading a book a day to silence the demons.

"The only people benefiting from my retirement is Barnes and Noble. That's it," said Mazziotti, who added that he just wants some peace and to be "back to being happy days but..."

Retired NYPD officer Bill Beaury spent four months on the pile, as the mess of twisted metal and concrete at ground zero was called.

"It was difficult. It was very hot. It was dusty. It was smoky," Beaury said.

Beaury was on the pile looking for the remains of a colleague, Ronnie Kloepher.

Beaury said the fact that he never found Ronnie's remains "bothers me because there's nowhere for me just to go."

Like Mazziotti, Beaury retired 10 years ago, having left a little too much of himself on the pile.

"I did my job," Beaury said of the months he spent after 9/11 on the pile.

That might as well be the motto of the first responders:

"I was doing my job. I was doing what I was trained to do," Mazziotti said.

When asked if it offers him any comfort to know he did his job and saved some lives, Mazziotti said: "Until you asked the question, I never really thought about it. And all's I was doing was what I was trained to do."

They may not see it as heroic but 10 years later, there still doesn't seem to be a better word.

[Jbeauj]

Mr Beaury,

I was very moved by the story Wednesday night on the CBS Evening News regarding this story.

Words cannot and may never express or explain the deep and painful grief you are experiancing regarding the loss of your colleague, Ronnie Kloepher. I along with the viewers can't even begin to understand what happened, why it happened, and if we'll ever be the same again. Probobly not. We as humans, are not evolved enough to understand the deep and profound meaning and process behind life and death. Not to mention, it may take many lifetimes to understand the meaning of the 9-11 event. We can wake up every day to see and feel the miracle of God in the sunrise, the beauty of our earth and the smile and warmth of our children. Those things make it easy to believe in a supreme power. Yet, when we see the lasting damage that an event like 9-11 has done, we question that faith. In the tough times it is when our faith is challenged most. Where do we turn? How can we cope? Let's look within-

Please allow me, a stranger, someone you may never meet to offer you these simple thoughts. We are infinate souls, that are never born and will never die. These systems that transport our brains and allow us to experiance life, known as our bodies, are here for only a short period of time on earth. Our souls, the infinate version of us, is here forever. Someday we will see the full spectrum of why 9-11 happened. I know these small words may not erase any of the pain. Please keep your faith with these words: While the remains of your colleague, could not be found, please know that the biggest, healthiest, happiest part of him, the version you remember is with you every day, alive in you. He can feel your pain and knows what a friend you are. Look around you. The next time you feel a breeze, or sense he is with you, take that as a sign, breath in deep and know that he most certainly is with you, always.

God Bless
Jaybeau