Keeping The Holiday Peace
Just about everybody has relatives they love to spend time with during the holidays — and others who rattle their nerves. Guess what? They're all coming to town in the next few weeks.
The Saturday Early Show talked with some people on the streets of New York who are trying to keep the family peace. Our family counselor, Mike Riera, addresses their concerns and other causes of family discord this time of year.
Houseguests
"I have my partner's parents coming into town for Christmas and they're going to be staying with us for about a week. I'm worried a little bit about how stressful it might be just having everyone in the house.
Mike's advice:
What about young children, in particular, who may be overwhelmed by a stream of unfamiliar people?
Always keep the young kids' needs first, as they don't yet have the coping skills needed to deal with a string of unfamiliar guests. That is, pay attention to your kids and look for the signs of overload. When you see them, act right away to get them what they need, which is usually some alone time with you.
If you can, let your guests know that you may have to stop suddenly to take care of one of the kids who are walking the stress line.
Some families with slightly older kids even have a code phrase or word that the kids can use to let the parents know they are going on overload.
Dealing With Loss
"I just lost my father this past summer. What do you think is a good way to enjoy the holidays even with that loss hanging over our heads?"
Mike's advice:
Holidays are memory mirrors. They are big days, so we tend to remember what happened in past holidays. For you, this will mean lots of images of your dad and feelings of loss. Don't pretend to be happy when you are not, let the feelings wash over you. They'll fade in intensity with time. Remember that the first year of holidays after a death is the most difficult, so keep your expectations modest. Finally, do something to acknowledge your dad — it could be a candle in church, a toast at a gathering, a poem read aloud — just something that reflects your relationship. It'll free you up to be more present.
What about families who are displaced by this year's hurricanes, or have family members serving in Iraq or elsewhere overseas?
The answer is similar to the one above, but modify it to the context. That is, if you've been displaced from your home, reconnect by phone with other displaced families. If you have a loved one serving in Iraq, try to connect online or write them a group letter or, even better, a group video or audio tape to send them and let them know they are missed.
Gift-Giving
"Do you have to give the same thing to grandkids of the same age? Because then one thinks they got something better than the other one got."
Mike's advice:
No, it's not a contest. Give what you think that person will like best and what you feel like giving that person.
How can you go about setting guidelines for relatives whose values about gift-giving or religious services are very different from yours?
Talk ahead of time and be clear. Ideally home-court rules should be in effect, but at the same time look for places where you can find a compromise that works for everyone. That is, celebrate your values and your beliefs in your home and, yes, where possible make room for the others.
Personal Habits
"Well, someone brings their dog to our house for the holidays and they insist on sitting with the dog at the table while we eat our holiday meal. That's really aggravating."
Mike's advice:
Ideally, talk with them ahead of time about your concern. Try to help solve the problem and make a comfortable place away from table. But with true dog lovers, it may come down to choosing to have your family member and the dog, or no family member. In the end, even though it is aggravating, it is a holiday and probably worth putting up with the dog.
Is there any way to tactfully address other personal habits that annoy you: the uncle with bad table manners or the sister-in-law who talks nonstop at the top of her lungs?
No! Think of it realistically. If you haven't addressed the issues and resolved them over the course of shared childhoods, it probably won't work now. It's best to just prepare your family to take the high road and look the other way.